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free skin care · Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:59 pm

.....or, the One Bird Too Many in THIS Nest Syndrome...

Do you feel like tearing out your hair cuz he's always in it?
Feel like getting a job just to stay away from him?

You're in the right place cuz that's exactly how I feel! I love him dearly, but this new life change is just too much!! The honeymoon is looooong over and too much togetherness is just too much of a pain! I love the house to myself without no MAN underfoot!!!

*whew* I feel better saying it, but man that seems so Wrong! I mean, he earned his right to stay home too, but I'm just not used to it, and I don't like it!
How do you cope???

free skin care · Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:18 pm

I don't cope with it at all. When my husband first retired I thought I would go out of my mind - I truly got really depressed. I also like my own space. This is made worse by the fact we live in an apartment so we're around each other 24/7. My husband does not play sport and has no hobbies, so he just lies on the sofa surfing the TV. If I'm vacuuming, he "kindly" points out spots I've missed. He's also not housebroken so he leaves a trail of devastation around him. He has taken up cooking - the mess in the kitchen would have to be seen to be believed but it is always my job to clean it up. We did used to have a large boat and he enjoyed going down to the marina to potter around on it and talk to all the other old cronies down there. But he sold the boat to help with finances so I don't even get the relief of him going down to the boat.

Gosh! I'm starting to feel better already. But, honestly, it really is a huge adjustment - I remember when my mother went through it. My friends tell me "just get out of the house" and I do spend allot of time walking the dog. I've got the fittest chihuahua in Australia! But I'm also spending too much time at the shops and I don't really have the money to do that anymore - the cash has dried up too.

It has been about a year now, and I am slowly getting used to it - but there are times.........

free skin care · Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:09 pm

I'm thinking that I will have some of the same issues all too soon. One of my good friends is just retiring, and his wife is reeling. As she puts it, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch!"

As it turns out, my husband is away for a week (I travel a lot but he rarely does) and it's been wonderful to have the space and freedom again. Now, I do love him but still...

free skin care · Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:01 pm

This is hilarious. I already feel like this about my husband when he is home on the weekends. My husband has a few more years before he retires, but I always tell he, he will stay in the garage or go work in the shed, because if he is around me too much, I will kill him!! (obviously not literally!)

free skin care · Wed Oct 15, 2008 2:05 am

I am making my escape! I am off to Sydney to visit my elderly parents for a week - they're both in their 90s.

My father recently bought an exercise bike but my mother won't let him keep it in the house - so it's out in the shed. He sits on his bike peddling away and smokes his pipe! However, the smoke gets in his eyes so to solve this problem he wears diver's goggles!

I just know that when I get back, I'm going to need a support group for those with elderly parents!

free skin care · Thu Feb 26, 2009 3:15 pm

When I saw the topic of this thread I started to chuckle because my mother retired this year and my father has been semi-retired for ever. When my mother stopped going to work everyday I told my husband and friends "I give that marriage 4 months!" Laughing

The funny thing is they are doing the role reversal from your stories. My father is upset at the amount of time she spends "doing her own thing". I am not sure how to tell him if she wasn't doing her own thing she might use that shovel and tarp all women have in their trunks. Bad Grin

free skin care · Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:04 pm

Alley wrote:

I am not sure how to tell him if she wasn't doing her own thing she might use that shovel and tarp all women have in their trunks. Bad Grin

!!!OMG!!!

You hit that nail on the head! Where did you ever come up with that zinger!!!!

Vglore: I guess it evolves. I was resentful at the outset: that my free time was encroached upon (selfish of me), and that he would notice that I spent a vast majority of my time online or pursuing my personal obsessions. Eventually we reached an agreement that we could do our things without being criticized as long as we spent together time, treated each other lovingly and got the house taken care of somehow.

You mentioned that this is a relatively recent thing, and it really does take time for the dust to settle and for each of you to hit your stride and find a sense of importance in it. Going from 60 to 0 for a guy is a big adjustment. They tend to vegetate if they don't have prior interests. He probably feels a little guilty about it, no?

The real realization for me came when each of us had to have surgery recently and we had to be each other's nurse - it opened my eyes to just how important we are to each other. It was a turning point. Not that we don't still quarrel, but it's more good-natured now.

free skin care · Sat Apr 18, 2009 6:49 pm

I do have a separate space to myself for my sanity-its a completely separate geusthouse/office.Its where I work out,keep all my clothes, private bathroom(and all the makeup and beauty items I bought off here-I need my own space)Its imperative every woman have a private space of their own where NOONE else is allowed to go into without permission!

Sun Mar 06, 2011 2:31 am

Well, my first time here! ---feeling a bit like I am in a constant battle of the need for the "happy day syndrome"!----

hello to all!--you all have lots in common with me, and I am sooo independant, and he is sooo dependant!

I have been home for many years, then he kept comenting his resentments and jealousys about how he wanted to retire and do what I do, so he did 5 years ago...sure...he thought I did nothing!---boy, was he shocked about how fast the grass grew when he only mowed once a weekend... and found out that I had mowed it during the week too...he simply just didn't notice...and etc..

but, now he is here 24/7----he is so lost!!!
follows me everywhere even to the bathroom, and shuts off the light in my craft room...so after pleading for him not to do this...so I fixed it! -- I waited till he went out to his shop,,, and I shut off the electric breaker to his shed, and that was halarious!!!--he came rushing in asking if the electric went off in the house, and I explained....laughing... so he don't do that anymore....!!!!

I am a night person and he is a day person, I just get lots more done, staying up at night,I get to spend "my quiet time" just thinking and or doing just the things I love and no one to interupt me... and the radio (talk radio, and great old time rocknroll) keeps me company, too.

He snores greatly till about 3am, so I go to bed then when he is quited down some, and I sleep till 9am....he sleeps 10-6am and has his alone time then...so that has seemed to work out better than being at odds alllll the time!

There is just something about "guys"---they just don't get it when we explain our heads off, so sometimes we have to "give them a bit of their own medicine!!!" right girls!?? Very Happy

free skin care · Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:19 am

I was depressed for years. I honestly think I was born that way...there is a condition called dysthymia that applies to young people who are chronically, sub-clinically depressed, and when I first learned of that term it was me.

After years of substance abuse and hard living it progressed and got so bad in my '30's that I took several different types of anti-depressants (couple SSRI's and I think one MAOI). All the anti-depressants did was gloss the problem. They were a good thing for a short time because they got me over wanting to kill myself every single day. But over a period of about more than six months they do tend to sap lots of people's motivation. Everything becomes a monotonous flat line, which in itself can be almost as debilitating as the depression. I think this is why so many people simply don't comply with anti-depressants in the long term...after a while your bodymind simply doesn't want them any more. They make us not who we really are.

It wasn't until I started paying attention to my nutrition and getting remineralized that I pulled out of it. It took a while to cover the utter mineral depletion in my tissues, and then to find the right balance. I wish I'd realized two decades ago what a huge impact minerals have on our health and well being, maybe I could have kept myself from going so far into the toilet. I also deeply, fervently wish doctors and mental health professionals paid more attention to mineral and vitamin balance when treating patients.

Point being, nutrition and supplements can cure depression. I'm living proof. I did most of my curing without a doctor (although I finally found a great naturally oriented MD who has helped me quite a bit). But it can be some work to do all the research and learning about what might be needed, and then find the right nutritive balance. Although IMHO in the long run it's much less work than trying to find the right medication to stay on. At least with most minerals/supplements you can experiment DIY with few if any negative consequences (only strong caution I have is for iodine). But the wrong medication can whack you for weeks or months. And once you reclaim your health you have that for life.

Also it can be work to find a doctor that supports and is knowledgeable about natural therapies instead of actively obstructing them.

Dunno if that's helpful or not. But there are viable alternatives to the mainstream medical approach to mental health, if mainstream isn't working for you.

Leenie, good luck. You have my profound sympathies, and so does your hubby. Deep depression is a hard row to hoe, for everyone it engulfs.

free skin care · Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:15 pm

Thanks for posting that, Yubs. I hope that it gives someone else ideas, and hope.

I've known my share of depression from early childhood into my early 30's. I've never been one for pharmaceuticals of any type (besides headache & cramps remedies, or perhaps very short-term meds when necessary). When I finally confessed the extent of my history of depression to professionals, they told me that because of how bad it had been, there'd be no alternative but to be medicated for the rest of my life. Besides a prescription or two of sleep meds (went 3 yrs without proper sleep), I tried a couple of anti-depressants for no more than 3 or 4 weeks but they didn't feel right.

I'd already become quite introspective and finally looked at my life and decided that I was only the product of some unfortunate luck (elder, depressed parent/s, surrounded by poverty, no extended family, 10 year relationship breakup, eventually many deaths), poor habits (mostly revolving around my tendency for low energy activities & solitude), and spotty nutrition. It wasn't "me". It wasn't inexplicable. There were valid reasons, which had just become a lifestyle.

I knew the bad luck couldn't go on forever, the habits could be changed with a little awareness, and I make sure I eat regularly and well.

It took a while, but I haven't been depressed in years, and this without medication. I AM a massive success story.
Please note that I'm not against medication. I just knew that down as I was, it wasn't necessary for me. I believe that if I'd have found something I felt comfortable with, it would have helped immeasurably in moving me along faster. I somehow wanted to take my time examining the experience of recovery, but that's me.

Anyway, I am with you that nutrition plays a way bigger role in our mental health than is given enough airtime. My mother cooked well, but did not include enough vegetables. But the biggest thing was I was incredibly dehydrated my entire childhood, where I was underweight, felt cold and weak and often had headaches. It still boggles my mind that everyone could have been so unaware.

Leenie, I hope you're able to sort it out, and that you keep in touch. These people will provide some really good support.

p.s. Vit B complex are the only vitamins that I won't go without. I don't know what it is, but they make me feel grounded. I only dabble with others here and there.

free skin care · Sat Jul 13, 2013 9:11 pm

Katie-girl wrote:

I am sooo glad that I found this site today! My husband has been retired for about 5 years now and I still haven't adjusted. In fact, things are getting worse between us, to the point that I would like a separation (after 18 years of marriage). He is always around the house and doesn't want to go anywhere except to his Bible study and prayer groups. He has no plans or dreams for the future. We rarely ever talk (not my fault)and have separate bedrooms (he snores, I have a sleeping disorder). We just sort of coexist. I feel like his maid since I do the majority of housework and my pay is being able to live off his retirement income. I have just taken 2 weeks off from my volunteer job, thinking that maybe we could spend some time together, but he doesn't want to travel. Our last vacation was 2 years ago and that was for a week to a friend's lake house about 45 minutes away. The past 2 days I've spent reading in my room while he reads in the living room (he doesn't do his usual TV watching when he knows I'm mad). I told him today that I am thinking of fixing up the storage shed in the backyard and moving in there so that we can still keep up the façade to his friends that we're a "happily married couple." He can have the house and the car; I'll use my bike for transportation. His reply: "The shed would be too small for you." I would love to hop on a plane, train, or bus for anywhere but here, but I have no place to go. I am grateful that I am not alone in my feelings; the previous posts testify to that. Is there a solution besides separation? I don't think my husband realizes there are any problems (and he doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him how unhappy I am in our situation).

Forums like this are a great place to unload and get understanding from other "sufferers: - however, when it comes to making monumental decisions on whether to pack it all in or not, only you can decide that. And it's been my experience that those types of decisions tend to make themselves.

As for the travel - go by yourself, or with a friend. I've just come back from six weeks around Europe with my husband and I could have gladly pushed him underneath the wheels of the Eurostar at every station!!

free skin care · Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:23 am

Kath91 wrote:

Keliu wrote:

...I've just come back from six weeks around Europe with my husband and I could have gladly pushed him underneath the wheels of the Eurostar at every station!!

keliu, u r the Mistress of Levity!

Sometimes you've just got to laugh, or you go crazy!!

free skin care · Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:23 am

& may I add:

Get all the financial papers relating to jointly held property (mortgages, etc) in your own possession - don't expect that your spouse will be at all cooperative. Get a preapproved mortgage in your own name because once things start moving you will have so much else to occupy you.

Get all documents related to your marriage and related issues ready and in a safe place.

Find any of your own important documents such passport etc and keep them safely as the angry soon to be ex spouse may confiscate them.

Get a safe place to go - if you can, confide in a neighbour so that you have an immediate safe getaway and anything that looks like violence will be investigated even if you cannot get to the phone.

Make sure that you have a secret stash of cash that is enough to tide you through - 6 months is good if you can manage it. Keep in mind that your spouse can get access to your bank account information and any safety deposit boxes he knows about. But don't let lack of cash keep you from exiting a situation that no longer serves you.

free skin care · Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:21 pm

But you *were* married, right Sis? So you can relate to the dilemma of having to share space with another human. Laughing

I can fantasize about my Perfect Life with NO MAN ABOUT! but when push came to shove and I was deathly sick last winter, who was it who came thru for me? << I remember that whenever he bugs the living bajeezus out of me and I learn to forgive.

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