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havana8
Moderator
 
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 3451
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Thu Oct 18, 2007 2:48 pm  |
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father,
Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" |
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Fri Oct 19, 2007 6:51 am |
Havana, loved the out of office email replys - how tempting! Shylass, glad to see you're still here and making us laugh; I imagine new baby's taking up a lot of your time.  |
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44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
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Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:49 am |
| Heh, these are just so great. I'm always thrilled when this thread shows up in my inbox! |
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32, fair hair/eyes/skin, always a mix of dry/oily/sensitive/acne/clogged pores. But I keep getting compliments on my skin, so something must be working! Beauty blog at http://heliotro.pe; online dating coaching at http://theheartographer.com |
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Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:53 am |
A friend passed this along to me, I had to share!
THE CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about one tenth of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
I just love a happy ending, don't you? |
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44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
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Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:23 am |
| Now that is what I call JUSTICE! |
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Skin: Over 60, ex combination now sensitive, Cellcosmet |
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Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:00 am |
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you." |
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normal to dry skin, slightly sensitive, early 40s |
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Tue Oct 23, 2007 7:00 pm |
| Mammamia, that was hysterical! Thanks for brightening my day, really evening. |
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Wed Nov 07, 2007 5:49 pm |
ok, it isn't a joke but it's funny.
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Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:39 am |
OOh, I love those morphing sites Margot! Hey ShyLass where have you been, I'm missing your daily onslaught of laughter!
OK, here's another one. Scary, yes?
[img] |
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44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
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Sun Dec 09, 2007 6:49 pm |
| A missionary and a businessman were sitting next to each other on a long haul airplane flight. The flight attendant asked the businessman what he wanted to drink, and he ordered gin and tonic. Then the flight attendant turned to the missionary and asked what he would like. "I would rather be raped by a hundred street walkers than touch a drop of alcohol," he announced vehemently. The businessman passed his drink back to the flight attendant. "So would I. I didn't realize we had that choice." |
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Fri Dec 21, 2007 12:33 am |
COMPANY POLICY
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast
Thank you for you loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. |
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Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:05 pm |
Great jokes flit and blue, glad to hear you still have them coming!  |
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44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
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Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:26 pm |
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Thu Jan 10, 2008 8:31 pm |
| The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." |
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♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:39 pm |
YOUTUBE!!!
They've got some WEIRD videos... Make me laugh everytime I go. |
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Mon Feb 04, 2008 10:27 am |
Should children witness child birth? Good question. Here's your
answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. Thehouse was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what
she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his
butt again!" |
_________________
♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 6:00 am |
OK, it's been too long since I've posted a joke in this thread- Received this yesterday and laughed so hard but I really needed it! 
This is about a town in Austria with the unlikely name of F*cking. It seems like there was an epidemic of street sign theft. Locals believe that tourists from the UK are the most likely culprits and have developed anti-theft street signs. Sigh, if I ever make it F*cking Austria I supposed I'll have to settle for getting my f*cking picture taken instead of stuffing the f*cking sign in my f*cking suitcase.
Enjoy the laugh, I know I sure f*king did!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/------------,_Austria
http://www.snopes.com/photos/signs/austria.asp
More food for thought:
Are the residents called F*ckers?
What are the mothers called?
What would you be learning at the F*cking High School?
Does the F*cking Hospital help you with anything else?
If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your F*cking friend.
Is the dumb village idiot a dumb F*ck or a F*cking idiot? |
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44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 7:48 am |
| Gee...and I thought the exit signs in Germany that are called AUSFARHT were funny! |
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normal to dry skin, slightly sensitive, early 40s |
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:08 pm |
I so needed a hearty belly laugh! |
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♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:16 pm |
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern smalltown prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' |
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♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Sun May 11, 2008 2:56 pm |
OMG, if I tell this joke to any of my friends they'll think it's about ME!!!
Truly hilarious!
| Mammamia wrote: |
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you." |
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Blond, Swedish/Cherokee, normal/dry skin, a sucker for products, gizmos, and treatments that are "age-defying." Just hit the big 4-0 |
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Fri May 23, 2008 4:03 pm |
This one was told to me my my 86 year old mom.
An elderly man answered a knock at his condo door and standing there he saw a threatening masked man with a gun. The elderly man cried "Here, take my wallet, take my watch, take my ring, HERE!"
The masked intruder replied "I'm not a robber, I'm a rapist!"
The old man yelled to his wife in the other room, "Honey, its for you!" |
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Fri May 30, 2008 3:46 pm |
| Some of these jokes are so funny |
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sensitive oily/combination, green eyes, brown hair, fair skin |
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Sat Jun 07, 2008 1:19 am |
Made me laugh
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| Tue Apr 01, 2025 6:13 pm |
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