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Sat Mar 03, 2007 5:40 pm  |
Hopefully this is not considered a religious post. LOL (I'm not catholic, and because of it, I did not get lots of the jokes since I never studied the bible.) Someone sent me this in email. It's cute and funny (well, whichever one I could figure out that's not too bible specific). Anyway, hope you enjoy it and can understand it a bit better than I do.
| Quote: |
> Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. It comes from a
Catholic Elementary School test. Kids were asked questions about the old
and new testaments.
> The following statements about the Bible were written by children.
They have not been retouched nor corrected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in).
>
> 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of
creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
> 2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was
called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
> 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire
during the night.
> 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
> trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
> 5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
> 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
> 7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
> 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses
went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
> 9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
> 10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
> 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led
> the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
> 12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son
> to stand still and he obeyed him.
> 13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.
> He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical
times.
> 14.Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
> 15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
> 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.
> 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
> 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
> 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others
before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by
sweat alone.
> 20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
> get the tombstone off the entrance.
> 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
> 22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
> 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
> 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony,
> which is another name for marraige.
> 25.Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. |
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Sat Mar 03, 2007 5:57 pm |
I'm not religious either - never read the bible....but number 9 sounds like it's spot on and the concept should still ring true today!!!  |
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:38 am |
| melissa49 wrote: |
| I'm not religious either - never read the bible....but number 9 sounds like it's spot on and the concept should still ring true today!!! |
haha...I thought #25 was hilarious. Also, #3, #12, and #19 are funny. Maybe it's b/c I could understand them.  |
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:24 am |
| #17 made me laugh out loud! |
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 11:43 am |
Ok, I could possibly get in trouble for this but what the hell  .
Sister Mary Theresa was discussing the ascendance of the soul with her class. In an attempt to gain insight into how they thought about the soul, she asked them whether they thought the soul emanated from the heart or the brain. The children's views were evenly split between the two, and their explanations for why they chose when or the other were similar. But one child stood out from the others. Sister MT noticed that during the entire discussion, little Anthony Romano had been shaking his head in what seemed to be vigorous disagreement. Finally, she asked him what he thought.
Anthony clearly thought for a moment before answering. Then, with more assertiveness and confidence than he normally spoke with, declared, "The soul emanates from our FEET!" The answer seemed to be a peculiar one, so Sister asked him to explain how he arrived at that conclusion.
His reply: "The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night and was really thirsty. I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen for some milk. On my way back to my room, I tiptoed past mom and dad's room cause I'm not supposed to get up in the middle of the night and I didn't want them to hear me. But I heard them. Dad was on top of mom and at first, I couldn't figure out what he was doing. Then I figured out he was just trying to keep her with us and stop her from going up to heaven to be with Jesus."
"Please go on, Anthony," the good nun urged, "I'm still not sure what this has to do with you thinking that our soul rises to heaven from our feet."
"Well," the boy replied, "while Dad was sorta holding Mom down, her feet were straight up in the air, and she was yelling OH JESUS I'M COMING."
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:28 pm |
| you are so going to hell! |
_________________
my new jewellery website:www.gentle-medusa.com |
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:33 pm |
Thats it, they are having me locked up because I am sat here wetting meself & crying with laughter so much that me tummy hurts & I am at the stage of making funny squeaky noises because I cannot catch my breath.
That is absolutely the funniest thing I have read for ages. Going to have to make several copies and hand out.
So did Daddy manage to stop mommy going to heaven Katee?
You didn't say and now I am worried for her.  |
_________________
50, happy reluma user started 16.6.12 original formula. PMD user. started LouLou's ageless regime. |
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:46 pm |
| guapagirl wrote: |
| you are so going to hell! |
I KNOW that. But, since there's nothing I can do about it now, I figure that I might as well enjoy myself in the meantime.
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 5:01 pm |
| Will I go to hell for snickering? Those are way too funny. |
_________________
Joined the 50 club several years back, blonde w/ fair/sensitive skin, Texas humidity and prone to rosacea, light breakouts and sunburns, combo skin type, starting to see sundamage and fine lines |
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Sun Mar 04, 2007 5:04 pm |
| My sides hurt, too funny. |
_________________
The best way to locate your cat is to open a can of food. |
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Mon Mar 05, 2007 1:18 pm |
| katee, too funny. |
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53 and starting to show it |
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Fri Mar 09, 2007 4:48 pm |
| Ah, children are so cute! |
_________________
Global Butterfly & Certified Aromatherapist/Holisitc Therapist with a passion for travel and natural health. |
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