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Mabsy
Moderator
 
Joined: 17 Aug 2003
Posts: 9644
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Tue Mar 06, 2007 9:22 am  |
We seem to be getting more and more individual jokes being posted and the thread titles of late tend to be misleading, so here's one place to post them so interested members can pop in and have a good laugh to start their day.
A few notes please:
1. Try to keep discussion to a minimum to increase readability
2. Keep them clean (and funny!  )
3. Keep in mind the wide range of member backgrounds (with different beliefs, be it religious, etc)
4. Keep in mind that minimum age for forum membership is 13 (relates to point 2 above)
5. Do not flood this with everything you get off a joke mailing list, I'm hoping this will be a list of jokes you think are top of the line.
If this thread doesn't take off it shall be removed from the sticky in a few days. |
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45, NW20, combination skin |
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Tue Mar 06, 2007 1:08 pm |
Here's my favourite light bulb joke.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish |
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my new jewellery website:www.gentle-medusa.com |
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Tue Mar 06, 2007 3:55 pm |
I was thinking of a sub section for those of us who only know religious or rude joke's.
The only clean joke I can remember is this one and it is soooo old.
Q; How many men does it take to replace an empty toilet roll.
A; Nobody knows because it's never happened. |
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50, happy reluma user started 16.6.12 original formula. PMD user. started LouLou's ageless regime. |
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Wed Mar 07, 2007 11:07 am |
http://84.40.3.164/
not funny, but neat-o! |
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combo - 33y/o routine: Clarisonic;PSF 5% BHA; Nia24 SS, KS Deep tissue repair, KIJ, quench, Detox daily clens;  's: Lips2Kiss; PSF: Pumpkin Peel, Papya cleanser, Acne Mud, R&R toner; Revitalash; |
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Thu Mar 08, 2007 11:19 am |
English????
This is for those who think German is hard.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
1 Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? |
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53 and starting to show it |
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Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:26 pm |
| Thanks Salli. That's so true! |
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40, fair skinned, dark hair, blue eyes |
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Caspers Mum
Moderator
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 1694
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Thu Mar 08, 2007 8:57 pm |
Ok, who's gonna buy me a new keyboard?!?!?!
Mine is soaked with fruit juice now. |
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Thu Mar 08, 2007 9:01 pm |
| you are so evil, I can't even finish all the pages! egads! |
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combo - 33y/o routine: Clarisonic;PSF 5% BHA; Nia24 SS, KS Deep tissue repair, KIJ, quench, Detox daily clens; 's: Lips2Kiss; PSF: Pumpkin Peel, Papya cleanser, Acne Mud, R&R toner; Revitalash; |
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Thu Mar 08, 2007 10:05 pm |
Kids Say the Darnest Things
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them,he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your
face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday
sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was
listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is 'butt dust'?" |
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Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~ Voltaire www.Candessence.com |
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Mabsy
Moderator
Joined: 17 Aug 2003
Posts: 9644
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Fri Mar 09, 2007 4:17 am |
And here's one from another thread posted by Bkkgirl:
| bkkgirl wrote: |
Someone sent me this today. I thought it might be appropriate to post here to help relieve some of the stress in the Lounge. First, let's all take a moment to take 20 deep breaths. Now read this:
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals:
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person your are holding underwater. |
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45, NW20, combination skin |
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Fri Mar 09, 2007 4:33 am |
OH. MY. GAWD! My retinas! Those images are scorched into my retinas! I'll be having nightmares now. |
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Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:53 pm |
The Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie |
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Mabsy
Moderator
Joined: 17 Aug 2003
Posts: 9644
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Fri Mar 09, 2007 10:40 pm |
 That's a clever one kandaboersma!
Here's another one being moved:
| bkkgirl wrote: |
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.
The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says,
"That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies,
"Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday and possibly Friday. Tuesday and Thursday I golf." |
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45, NW20, combination skin |
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Sat Mar 10, 2007 7:12 am |
I've been cracking up for 10 minutes. Thank you so much!!!
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Best, Jeannine (40s, fair skin, hazel eyes, sensitive skin). To fight the dread lemming sickness, I promise not to rave about a product until I have used it for a long while. |
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Sat Mar 10, 2007 11:16 am |
"The Washcloth"
Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a
woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already
around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have
any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make
the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that
was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris
or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't
we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going back to that doctor. Ever |
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Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:08 pm |
| LMAO |
_________________
50, happy reluma user started 16.6.12 original formula. PMD user. started LouLou's ageless regime. |
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Caspers Mum
Moderator
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 1694
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Sun Mar 11, 2007 8:14 pm |
How to Tick-Off Telemarketers
1. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."
2. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
3. After they give you their name ... Cry out, their name then ask: "Is that you(name)? Oh, my GOD! (name), how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give the person a few brief moments of terror as they tries to figure out where the hell they know you from.
4. Say "no", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
5. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics." You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh...Milpitas, California." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business? The weather?!?" Telemarketer: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"
6. Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". You say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at work, right?" Telemarketer will agree. You say "Now you know how I feel!" Hang-up.
7. Sound happy to see hear from them, and ask them if they have (a) insurance (b) a burial plot, or (c) a stock broker and that you are one.
8. Say "speak up" and continue to do so.
9. Ask them if they are aware that you are with the District Attorney's Office, Division of Consumer Fraud, and that the conversation is being taped. |
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Tue Mar 13, 2007 7:52 am |
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
 |
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Location: Denmark. Me = 32, think I'm combo without oiliness + sometimes sensitive. Have noticed that skin doesn't heal as quickly anymore and I've developed fine lines around my eyes... Hormonal breakouts which are sometimes cystic. PCOS |
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Tue Mar 13, 2007 2:21 pm |
| Ruth wrote: |
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
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LMAO!! Good one, Ruthie!
Mary  |
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43, Confirmed desert rat (Scottsdale, AZ), animal lover (3 kitties and a pup) and hopeless product junkie (I blame EDS...lol!) |
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Tue Mar 13, 2007 4:37 pm |
| Oh Caspersmum, I can't wait to try & do some of these.Thanks for the laugh! |
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40, fair skinned, dark hair, blue eyes |
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Thu Mar 15, 2007 8:05 am |
| http://egg.d21c.com/egg.swf |
_________________
combo - 33y/o routine: Clarisonic;PSF 5% BHA; Nia24 SS, KS Deep tissue repair, KIJ, quench, Detox daily clens; 's: Lips2Kiss; PSF: Pumpkin Peel, Papya cleanser, Acne Mud, R&R toner; Revitalash; |
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Fri Mar 16, 2007 7:31 am |
| thanks for sharing... |
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