If I live to be....I'll never understand
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free skin care · Mon Mar 19, 2007 11:48 am

The thread about the man who shot his wife's
student lover got me thinking about this.

When their mate two-times them why do they go after the other person. The other person may not have even realized their new lover was married. While the two-timed spouse is out seeking revenge on the other man/woman, their spouse is looking for a new conquest. It could be never ending.

It's kinda like when you need a hair cut you don't go to the dentist.

free skin care · Mon Mar 19, 2007 4:13 pm

Interesting....I wonder if this has something to do with men thinking of women as objects. Maybe the man sees the other man as stealing his woman.

I do know that if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, I would definitely hold him accountable regardless of what I thought of the other woman involved. Afterall, HE is the one in the committed relationship with me and therefore has a responsiblity towards the relationship and to me.

free skin care · Mon Mar 19, 2007 5:08 pm

Janna wrote:

Interesting....I wonder if this has something to do with men thinking of women as objects. Maybe the man sees the other man as stealing his woman.

I do know that if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, I would definitely hold him accountable regardless of what I thought of the other woman involved. Afterall, HE is the one in the committed relationship with me and therefore has a responsiblity towards the relationship and to me.

This is very interesting indeed. I think you may have something there. It maybe that the man thought everything was fine until she met her lover. At either rate, his wife should have been held responsilbe. That is one of the reasons why we have divorces.

free skin care · Mon Mar 19, 2007 5:11 pm

skincarefreak wrote:

Janna wrote:

Interesting....I wonder if this has something to do with men thinking of women as objects. Maybe the man sees the other man as stealing his woman.

I do know that if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, I would definitely hold him accountable regardless of what I thought of the other woman involved. Afterall, HE is the one in the committed relationship with me and therefore has a responsiblity towards the relationship and to me.

This is very interesting indeed. I think you may have something there. It maybe that the man thought everything was fine until she met her lover. At either rate, his wife should have been held responsilbe. That is one of the reasons why we have divorces.

Skincarefreak, you took the words right out of my mouth! Laughing

The cheating spouse should be held responsible, and if you can't work it out...head to divorce court instead of pulling out a gun!
Mary

free skin care · Mon Mar 19, 2007 5:28 pm

Janna wrote:

Interesting....I wonder if this has something to do with men thinking of women as objects. Maybe the man sees the other man as stealing his woman.

I do know that if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, I would definitely hold him accountable regardless of what I thought of the other woman involved. Afterall, HE is the one in the committed relationship with me and therefore has a responsiblity towards the relationship and to me.

Thank you. And, to me, that goes both ways. Over and over I hear or read about some woman who hates another woman because the SO had an affair with her. The person, male or female, who betrays the relationship is the guilty party!

Ari

free skin care · Mon Mar 19, 2007 7:32 pm

Janna wrote:

Interesting....I wonder if this has something to do with men thinking of women as objects. Maybe the man sees the other man as stealing his woman...

Ladies, Janna has pretty much hit the nail on the head. My other degree is in Anthropology and I learned some very interesting things studying social and cultural aspects of anthro as well as primate evolution. The situation with the teacher/student/husband murder is actually a very primitive response and has "survival of the fittest" aspects to it.

Many cultures today still view woman as property ... property that passes from her father's "ownership" to her husband's at marriage. It was not that long ago in the US that women and children were considered chattel. Even with the higher primates, "men" don't fight against their "women," but rather they compete against other men for them and for breeding rights. This is one aspect of a phenomenon called "sperm competition" and this part of it pretty much boils down to a weiner swinging contest. With higher primates, the male doesn't usually care if his mate has slept around, as long as he can win her back from another male. THAT's the part that matters to him, and being big, bad and strong enough to literally kill the competition obviously works to his advantage if his ultimate goal is keeping his property and his ability to spread his seed.

How many men do you know that have willingly taken back a cheating wife or girlfriend? I personally have seen more men not only willingly take back a cheating wife or GF, but go out and "fight" to get her back. I know several intelligent, well-educated men who have found out about a cheating GF and their first reaction is to want to beat the crap out of the "other man," as if HE is responsible and not the slutty GF. Most women I know, unless they have children, ususally kick the guy to the curb!

Anyhow, that's just a thumb-nail sketch of what might be going on behind the picture here.

free skin care · Tue Mar 20, 2007 12:48 am

This is interesting, but a little simplistic, I think. My idea is simplistic, too, but also... interesting. Confused

It's just easier to get angry at the interloper. It's less painful to feel "betrayed" by a stranger. It gives you more control and your relationship more credibility. If you have to confront your partner -- well, you have a lot emotionally invested there. You have a lot to lose. It's much more palatable to see the other party as the evil-doer. It takes a lot of denial -- but, hey, it took a lot of denial to get you in this position to begin with.

Of course the betrayer is the guilty partner. But that's just so darn messy and sad and -- it hurts us so deeply to confront that reality. So let's avoid that sticky wicket and go for the other guy. After all, he means absolutely nothing to us. He is not our wife, our partner, the mother of our children. Yeah. Go get him! Then we can come back and read bedtime stories to the kids and watch the late news together just like always. Kiss me, baby. I wuv u. We got it all. Together again.

free skin care · Tue Mar 20, 2007 6:37 am

Well having been a therapist at the battered women's center, I have seen it all. And all your theories are accurate, it depends on the man's background and how he was raised to see women. His relationship with his wife determined that ultimate fatal outcome.
In today's society, we as parents need to raise our young women with higher self esteem to look at their worth as a person, not as a sexual object or object of beauty, and men to have more patience, empathy and respect for women. The most apt saying is, if you don't raise your daughter to feel she is special to you and give her your time and attention, she will look to someone/someway to make her feel that way and give her that attention she is craving. As a mother of a young man in college, my son knows of my field background and we raised him to be very respectful of women. He knows if he EVER even raised a hand to a woman, no matter what the reason, I would never forgive him. His girlfriends know that as well, and he always picks a smart and very confident young lady. Their confidence and ability does not threaten his manhood, nor should it, and that's the difference in a real man, IMO.

free skin care · Tue Mar 20, 2007 9:11 am

Errr...to say something becides guilty or responsibility, I am always very confused that why some women/men want to have more relations in a time. One of my friend have 3 boyfriends and had to eat 3 suppers in Feb 14th. To me, it's at least too tired to do this. We now have so little time why would they like to waste it like this?...

free skin care · Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:29 am

Ohhh, there are many people who would not consider 3 dinners on Valentine's Day a waste of time. I wouldn't, either -- when I was younger. I had three dates in one night once in college. Drinks, dinner, and... later. Of course, I wasn't married to any of them. Or even thinking of it. Very Happy

free skin care · Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:42 am

Ke Jiang wrote:

Errr...to say something becides guilty or responsibility, I am always very confused that why some women/men want to have more relations in a time. One of my friend have 3 boyfriends and had to eat 3 suppers in Feb 14th. To me, it's at least too tired to do this. We now have so little time why would they like to waste it like this?...

totally agree!

free skin care · Thu Mar 22, 2007 11:18 am

This is interesting, but a little simplistic, I think. My idea is simplistic, too, but also... interesting.

It's just easier to get angry at the interloper. It's less painful to feel "betrayed" by a stranger. It gives you more control and your relationship more credibility. If you have to confront your partner -- well, you have a lot emotionally invested there. You have a lot to lose. It's much more palatable to see the other party as the evil-doer. It takes a lot of denial -- but, hey, it took a lot of denial to get you in this position to begin with.

Of course the betrayer is the guilty partner. But that's just so darn messy and sad and -- it hurts us so deeply to confront that reality. So let's avoid that sticky wicket and go for the other guy. After all, he means absolutely nothing to us. He is not our wife, our partner, the mother of our children. Yeah. Go get him! Then we can come back and read bedtime stories to the kids and watch the late news together just like always. Kiss me, baby. I wuv u. We got it all. Together again.

Thanks, Sidda. I think you nailed it for me. I guess denial is a very powerful emotion!

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