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free skin care · Tue May 22, 2007 3:41 pm

This is all so TOTALLY unrelated to anything I've seen here ...

#3 of four sons graduates this June and I lose 50% of my child support. No, I don't get huge amounts of child support, but as a teacher in a charter system I make less than 40k a year. Until I sell my house (which is "marital property") I have HUGE utilities due to the size of the house!!! When married w/four kids I was a SAHM and while we lived frugally, we could afford it.

It's killing me now. I'm waking up in cold sweats at night.

My out of pocket medical expenses are rather high ... and I consider myself fortunate to have medical insurance at ALL given the state of health care in the U.S.

I have never hard core budgeted before and know that huge amounts of "divorce guilt" have kept my trying to keep my kids up to the financial status quo. I recognize this has been a disservice ... I should have let them "suffer" so to speak and dealt with the fact that we just DON'T have the income their friends' families do. There is NO shame there ... and I recognize that. I made a choice I wouldn't make again ... but can't redo.

I just need to figure out HOW to deal with this going forward.

I DO save over 10% of my income and am NOT in debt. While I don't give a lot of $$$ to charities I do give my time ... as a teacher w/summers off, that's my greatest financial asset.

Do you guys have any great budget sources?

Oh. I'm 52. And tired. LOL.

free skin care · Tue May 22, 2007 3:57 pm

4sons, I have friends that are teachers who have summer jobs. I know, it's wonderful to have the time off but it is a way to have extra dollars.

Or, what if you sold the house, split the profit and got yourself a 2 bedroom rental in the same area so son #4 would still be in the same school. You could look for something that might be newer that has lots of insulation so your utilities wouldn't be so bad. After son #4 graduates then you could decide what you want to do and where you want to live. Oh, and stick that money in the bank collecting interest, so when the times comes you will have a little cushion during any transition.

BTW, kids aren't stupid as I am sure you know. It isn't the end of the world if they can't live the way they did before the divorce.

Just a thought.

free skin care · Tue May 22, 2007 4:01 pm

Well living in the UK we don't have medical insurance etc to pay but we have been on about £13k a year for a while now.

Our kids accept that we don't have holidays and that they can't have the latest 'must have' gear and they are pretty cool with it. I'm guesssing that your guys are pretty grown up now and able to accept the reality of life.

Sit 'em down and tell 'em. Be straight. You have been (by the sounds of it anyway) a great mum and put their best interests first. A bit of mild poverty never hurt anyone. I grew up on hand-me-downs and eating left overs and have an appreciation of basics now which my kids have. They do not expect unlimited amounts of flash or fast food, hot water or consumables and whilst I moan about htem (parental perogative!) they are OK and I am sure your kids will be too. It's the love you give not the gifts that make 'em happy Smile

free skin care · Tue May 22, 2007 4:36 pm

Frodo wrote:

4sons, I have friends that are teachers who have summer jobs. I know, it's wonderful to have the time off but it is a way to have extra dollars.

Or, what if you sold the house.....

Sounds like good advice. I know it is hard to make changes--you certainly have already, going from a SAHM to single mother raising 4 boys. Perhaps, the time has come to make some additional (practical but difficult) changes--summer job, tutoring students after school (my niece does this and makes some great extra $$$), downsizing your home. Once you have a plan in the place the anxiety attacks should lessen, if not go away entirely. I sympathize with what you are going through...my heart goes out to you.

free skin care · Tue May 22, 2007 5:13 pm

I agree with Guapagirl that kids aren't stupid. They know! My older boy who is 12 thanks me all the time when I take him and my younger boy out to dinner, no matter how small. He is also not demanding of any new toy or game. He just seems to know mommy doesn't have a ton of money. My little guy is a bit more demanding, but I tell him no. He seems to understand, too. I told him he doesn't have to have everything his friends have.

Also Frodo's suggestion about selling the house and moving in to a smaller apartment seems like a sound advice. When you have to cut back, you can really look for ways to do it. I had to do this last year, and what I did was in an Excel spreadsheet, I typed in all of my expenses each month...everything I could think of. Tally them up. Compare the total to my net take-home. Ouch! I was in the negative. I started to cancel my newspapers subscription and pretty much everything I could think of that was costing me extra money that I didn't need.

Also, since 3 sons have graduated, they could start working and helping out a bit here and there? They are after all considered adults now, right? I started working part-time in college. I was paid $3.50/hour minimum wage back then. It wasn't much but helped with my extras that I didn't want to bother my parents with.

Good luck.

free skin care · Tue May 22, 2007 6:57 pm

I am no budget whiz, but have you heard of Dave Ramsey and his Total Money Makeover program? There's a book, workbook, CD, etc. I listened to the CD set, and he has some really good advice for starting and sticking to a budget and savings plan. He's very enthusiastic about his program.

Delphi has a forum where people discuss budgeting, his program, and get support/give advice:

http://forums.delphiforums.com/nomoredebt

There is a link to his website on the start page of the forum. I hope this info helps you.

free skin care · Tue May 22, 2007 10:36 pm

Hi Ruth,
All excellent advice!
While I read your post I am chastised to think of the obsessing I do over my "wrinkles". Certainly there are more important issues in life!
I think you will have a very rich and rewarding relationship with your 4sons, having weathered this storm together. Ask for their help and see what suggestions they have.
For what it's worth, I'm telling you this story:
I was once in a horrid bottomless pit of trouble, however, I did not have children to be taken care of. I was at rock bottom with no help in sight and the wolf really was at the door. It was a very dangerous situation. With nowhere to go and no one to ask for help, I cried to God to get me out of there. I heard a voice, I swear it, giving me a direction. I followed the direction and got out of the situation, miraculously. Sounds reeeealy nuts, I know, and you didn't ask to hear all this, but it helped me.
I hope your situation is resolved soon. If you ask for help, you get all kinds of advice now, don't you! HTH! Sorry to sound so earnest, but just to let you know no situation is beyond help.
fawnie

free skin care · Wed May 23, 2007 4:18 am

Thanks all for your very kind suggestions.

My two adults sons live in another state and my son about to graduate will be going to college in another state as well. I live in MI and am from NY. My family is practically half way across the country!

I am very used to being independent so that doesn't frighten me ... it's the money thing. Right now it's financially saavy for me to stay in the house (ex pays the mortgage ... I do taxes and insurance). To take my portion of the equity and put it into another place would get me in about the same situation.

I am a devout Christian (although not particularly church going) and a huge fan of the concepts talked about in "What the 'Bleep'/Down the Rabbit Hole." I KNOW I've got to transform my mind/form new neural pathways!

And thanks for the Dave Ramsey link ... I'll look into it!

Fondly,
Ruth

free skin care · Wed May 23, 2007 10:26 am

Hello Ruth, you have been given some good advice and I can't improve on what's already been said, but I would just like to congratulate you on bringing up 4 sons on your own. Well done! You sound like a great mum to your boys. Also wanted to say that it's easy to give money to charity, but to give your time (which is the most precious thing that any of us have, after all) is far more valuable. I hope things work out for you. Lyndsey x

free skin care · Wed May 23, 2007 2:29 pm

4 sons,

Kudos to you for doing such a great job with your family. Money is NOT everything and there are lots of opportunities for them to do part time work for their luxuries without you having to worry about it. I have a very stressful job and earn a high salary but this comes at a huge price. Plus I really work for the government as 40% goes to taxes and all the other stealth taxes in London. It is ridiculous but my friends are in the same income bracket and don't stop moaning about money as the cost of living is so high. My dream is one day to set up a home for disadvantaged kids and use my law and financial services skills to do that. What a great job you are doing with your kids so give yourself a break. In the UK (and I guess anywhere) it is easy to get sucked in to always having expensive holidays, clothes or the latest IT bags etc. I work this hard as I have some student debt still and I feel I need to save in the event of some family emergency (my sister has systemic lupus) but at some point what you are doing is so much more valuable; being a great mom and role model for your kids. I am sure you have taught your kids values rather than the value of money. As for budgeting, I think you already have the answers.

free skin care · Wed May 23, 2007 5:17 pm

Again .. thank you all.

I've found a budget spreadsheet and learned some painful facts! While I can't deny my high out of pocket health care things nor do I care to NOT eat healthy food (more $$$, a sad commentary indeed) but I DO overspend in areas I hadn't thought.

This summer I am doing necessary things to put the house on the market (in this crummy economy) and will pray things move quickly. In the meantime, I'm learning a LOT I can put to good use in the future.

Thank you for all the kind parenting comments. I had a rough childhood and being a "good" mom has always been the #1 priority. I can live w/out a lot of money ... but I have to admit fear of aging. Retirement will not ever be an option for me.

free skin care · Wed May 23, 2007 7:04 pm

I will continue to send warm thoughts your way.

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