 |
 |
| Author |
Message |
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:14 am  |
What should I do? I found my bf collects pics of other girls including naked pics?
I was using his PC and saw the My Pictures folder. We went on vacation together, and he took pics from that trip. He burned a CD of these pics for me, but I couldn't open the pics from that CD, so I thought I would just look in his PC. He wasn't home for me to ask his permission to check out the trip pictures, and I didn't think I was doing anything wrong since I didn't expect to find anything weird in the picture files.
Looking for the trip folder, I found a folder called Old Pics, and thought I wanted to see some of his old pics to see what he looked like before we met. However, in that folder, I found other pics of other girls including naked pics (naked chest of women he downloaded from Ratemyrack). I felt really hurt and betrayed by this. When I asked him about it, he tried to turn the table on me and said I betrayed his trust by snooping in his computer. However, I didn't think I was violating his privacy just by looking for our pictures or even his old pictures since I didn't think he was hiding something from me. When he used my PC, he had access to everything, and I got nothing to hide from him. I felt that this wouldn't be a healthy relationship if he were keeping this kind of secrets. We've been dating for over 2 years now. I was feeling secure about his love until now. With this discovery, I feel like he's cheating on me emotionally. I am pretty sure he's still looking at this pictures. If he's not, why would he need to have them on his PC? We barely have sex, and maybe this is one of the reasons. I feel like he wants someone else.
Thanks for your help. |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 8:33 am |
Bira, are you really young? I don't mean this as an insult ... but most men are attracted to some kind of p*rnography, from soft (naked shots) to hard-core. Men are very visual, that's how they get aroused. IMO unless he's actually repeatedly e-mailing one of these girls, it's not exactly an emotional affair, but he IS clearly looking at other bodies than yours. (However if this in your opinion is cheating, then, yes, he is.)
Don't let him turn the tables by that old defense "what were you doing in my stuff?? How dare you look in my computer" etc. Clearly he was hiding something, and you found it which is the reason for the defensive reaction. However, I also believe in privacy in relationships. I wouldn't be too pleased to find my husband reading through old letters I've kept.
I guess it depends on what's going on between you two...are you living together, do you have a what's-yours-is-mine kind of relationship, etc. It would be most helpful to have a calm discussion about this: is he going to keep collecting nudie shots of other girls, why does he want them, what are your expectations, things like that. Get it all out on the table.
By the way....I wouldn't let him take naked shots of YOU, or you'll end up in that folder. Just my 2 cents. |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 8:50 am |
| I agree with Chocolat. I have been married 21 years, Bira. My husband still looks at that kind of stuff. That is how guys are. |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:14 am |
I've been with my husband for 14 years and you wouldn't believe the amount of time I walk in the bedroom and he quickly changes the channel. Gee, I wonder what he was watching.  And yes, he has a folder on his computer of naked women. It used to bother me, but now I feel more secure because after all these years he has never cheated on me and never given me any reason to not trust him, so as long as he stays in my bed then I really don't care who he looks at. And with a new baby, things haven't exactly been booming in the bedroom, so if that keeps him happy, then I'm happy. Like rileygirl said, that is how some guys are.
But he shouldn't have gotten upset with you and accused you of snooping. It almost seems like he has something to hide, but the same thing happened when I first found photos on our computer. My husband tried to say he didn't know what they were doing there, but I think it was just because he was embarrassed that I found them. It's probably the same for your BF. I say, if he is faithful to you, and treats you right, then don't get too upset about the photos. |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:28 am |
Thank you all for your responses.
Chocolat - I am young in the relationship department. He's only my third relationship, and I'm probably his second or third girlfriend. I'm pretty idealistic though and take commitment seriously. I dumped my last bf immediately when I learned he cheated on me.
Rileygirl and Diana P - I guess I am feeling insecure about his collection because we've only been together for 2 years, and in the beginning, it seemed he liked my body just fine, but now we aren't having sex. He said he had other issues that I'd rather not disclose on the internet but it's not concerning other women. But now that I see he collects other women's pics, I just wonder if he finds me lacking and no longer excited about me, which is why he doesn't want to have sex with me. I haven't changed in appearance, but the compliments seem to not be forthcoming (he used to tell me he thought I had a great body). So I thought if this is how it is when we're still just dating and only been 2 years, how would it be if we were to be married for 20 years. Yikes! I am afraid to even think or imagine. |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:03 am |
| Bira - He probably still thinks you have a great body, but after a while they usually stop saying it. It is something they think you just know and that should be enough, they shouldn't have to tell you all! Honey, I don't get any compliments at all and haven't for years. I am getting the feeling there are other issues with your relationship that are going on, and I strongly suggest you openly talk to him about the other issues. Communication is what is truly important in a relationship. As far as the pics, I would try not to let that bother you - way more common than you realize! Good luck to you Bira. I hope things work out well for you! |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:14 am |
Hi Bira, I don't think pictures aren't anything to be overly worried about; like Chocolate, however, I would avoid having him take any pictures of YOU.
I would be much more worried about the lack of sex and other issues. Please keep the lines of communications open with your guy. If he's having health issues, he's likely too embarrassed to talk about them. If you suspect health problems [changes in diet, sleep patterns, mood changes] try to gently prod him into seeing a doctor...
Good luck sweetie,
athena |
_________________
44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 12:51 pm |
Bira everyone's given you good advice and I can only reiterate what's been said. I'd be more concerned about him not wanting to have sex, especially if you are both young - heck his hormones should be racing  So I'd concentrate on him getting his sexual issues sorted out pronto!! You're way too young to be in a sexless relationship.
As for finding the pics on his computer, well yes, I can understand why he was angry about it. I'd compare it to reading a diary - not good 
Best of luck! |
|
|
|
|
 |
Thu Jul 05, 2007 1:28 pm |
I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience.
I personally would break up with him, because my self-esteem would be very hurt by this. His looking at other chicks would make me assume that I wasn't enough for him. Believe me, there are guys out there who DON'T look at this stuff, who don't feel like they NEED to look at this stuff. I've only dated one guy who behaved that way, and let me tell you, I ended things real quick with him.
I know most people say that it's natural and whatnot, but I don't think it is, really. I think it's our society's fault for saying that it's OK for guys to behave this way. It's the really awesome guys who realize that they don't have to bow to society, and who can just be themselves without feeling pressured to look at naked chicks. 
I feel very strongly about this topic. I too am an idealist in the relationship department, I too have very high standards. I feel that looking at naked women is a form of being unfaithful. I know that most other people don't think so, but I have to go by my own experience. Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh. I just know that I personally couldn't deal with my guy doing something like that. |
_________________
American Indian/Irish/African descent, bleach-blonde hair with lowlights, tanned skin, greenish-brown eyes, strong facial features and drastically-improved lips! 28, but people tell me that I look seventeen-ish. |
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 2:50 pm |
| Red Devil wrote: |
I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience.
|
Have to disagree with this one. I would say most guys look at naked women. They all don't do it for the same reasons. Does my guy like to look at naked women? Yes. It doesn't bother me because it's just silliness. It's not like he wants to be with them instead of me. Now, if he was bringing home piles of ------------ and wanting to look at that INSTEAD of being with me-- that would be a problem. As it is, my guy tells me he loves me everyday. He does not tell the pictures on his computer that he loves them. I think if a woman is really bothered by her man looking at naked women on TV or on the internet, that speaks more to her insecurity than his. Again, there is different degrees of everything. The point it changes is when he'd rather engage himself with ------------ material than be with his girl. Bira, if you feel that is happening, perhaps it's time to reevaluate your relationship. I have a feeling his nudie pictures aren't the problem here, though. I wish you good luck, and that you find happiness whatever happens. |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 2:55 pm |
| violetanne - very well said, could not agree with you more! |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 05, 2007 3:26 pm |
yeahhh, another oldie here. Guys like pretty pics. And so do some gals!
I think if it becomes habitual then it perhaps isn't so healthy and if sex is petering out then there may be a problem. I wouldn't fret about the lack of compliments though unless you know you just don't bother anymore with your appearance.
It all depends if you think this guy is 'the one'. If you think he is the love of your life then ask him what he wants in terms of sex and more to the point TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT! It works both ways. I think when one eye starts to stray it's because the other ain't telling it what it should be looking at.
Of course if you have issues with ------------ per se and it's exploitation and production ...well that's a different matter! |
_________________
my new jewellery website:www.gentle-medusa.com |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:26 am |
I agree w/Violetanne. If the pics are taking the place of reality, then it could be a p*orn * spam alert *, which is so prevalent esp with the availability over the Internet.
Sounds like it's time for a rational, nonjudgmental talk and both of you being honest about everything. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:30 am |
Thank you all for your help and support. Red Devil, I agree with what you said. I also agree with everyone who said that there's a bigger issue here. I just sent him an email. (He emailed me that he deleted the pictures.) I'm hoping for a rational and nonjudgmental discussion like Chocolat said. I feel that since we've been dating for 2 years, it's a good time to touch base anyway about where everything is and where it's going. So thank you all again for your kind encouraging words. 
PS: I don't have an issue with ------------ and its production. I don't think my bf was into ------------. The pictures were pics of a woman's chest without her head or the bottom. He downloaded them from ratemyrack. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:49 am |
| That's a good sign though that he deleted the pics. Shows that he cares about your feelings and the fact that it bothered you that he had them. If there is a deeper issue there, then I hope you can work through it. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:58 am |
| Red Devil wrote: |
| I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience. |
I totally agree with this. I think it's horrible how some women simply accept this habit as "part of being a guy." I mean no disrespect to the other ladies in this thread- if you can put up with it, then you deserve medals As for me, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and would make tracks fast. I was always uninterested in guys who focused their sexuality by objectifying women- it just seems a bit immature, to me. When my boyfriend and I become involved romantically (after being friends) last summer, he actually collected all the ------------ magazines he had and set them out for the garbage. I didn't know this until recently, and I was shocked and proud of him, haha. After knowing that he spent a good portion of his teen and youth years being interested in magazine pullouts, him throwing away his stash was a pretty damn good way of telling me that I will be the only girl within reach when it comes to that sort of stuff |
_________________
http://enlightenedzeal.livejournal.com/ <---Do you dare to change the world? |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:19 pm |
| FrevaKZ wrote: |
| Red Devil wrote: |
| I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience. |
I totally agree with this. I think it's horrible how some women simply accept this habit as "part of being a guy." I mean no disrespect to the other ladies in this thread- if you can put up with it, then you deserve medals As for me, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and would make tracks fast. I was always uninterested in guys who focused their sexuality by objectifying women- it just seems a bit immature, to me. When my boyfriend and I become involved romantically (after being friends) last summer, he actually collected all the ------------ magazines he had and set them out for the garbage. I didn't know this until recently, and I was shocked and proud of him, haha. After knowing that he spent a good portion of his teen and youth years being interested in magazine pullouts, him throwing away his stash was a pretty damn good way of telling me that I will be the only girl within reach when it comes to that sort of stuff |
Wow, your bf is so sweet to do that for you and without you ever having to say anything. He's a smart guy and a real keeper. You're so lucky. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:21 pm |
| Diana P wrote: |
| That's a good sign though that he deleted the pics. Shows that he cares about your feelings and the fact that it bothered you that he had them. If there is a deeper issue there, then I hope you can work through it. |
Yes, Diana, I think it is a good sign, but he did it in a grudging way. So there's a deeper issue here for sure. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:59 pm |
Thanks, Bira  I hope things work out on your end, if you choose to be okay with that sort of stuff or not. Some women accept it as normal, and others can't. We're all different, so good luck. |
_________________
http://enlightenedzeal.livejournal.com/ <---Do you dare to change the world? |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 1:50 pm |
| Hi Freva, I'm one of those who can't accept it, so I will need to get to the bottom of what's really going on with him. I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me and still gives me compliments even when we're 80 years old. I always like to look at elderly couples who take care of each other and their love for each other is clear for anyone to see. I want to be like them. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:09 pm |
| Bira wrote: |
| Hi Freva, I'm one of those who can't accept it, so I will need to get to the bottom of what's really going on with him. I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me and still gives me compliments even when we're 80 years old. I always like to look at elderly couples who take care of each other and their love for each other is clear for anyone to see. I want to be like them. |
I would rather my husband show me how much he loves me, rather than be upset that he doesn't compliment me. I don't remember the last time he complimented me, but he shows me in other ways how much he loves me. He watches the baby every night when he gets home from work so that I can relax in the tub, he gets up early on the weekends with the baby so that I can sleep in even though I know he would like to sleep in. He shows me in alot of ways how much he cares, that I don't even notice that he doesn't give me constant compliments. I think it shows that we have a secure, strong relationship that we don't have to constantly reassure each other of our feelings. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:15 pm |
| FrevaKZ wrote: |
| Red Devil wrote: |
| I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience. |
Freva, I totally agree with you. I think it's horrible how some women simply accept this habit as "part of being a guy." I mean no disrespect to the other ladies in this thread- if you can put up with it, then you deserve medals As for me, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and would make tracks fast. I was always uninterested in guys who focused their sexuality by objectifying women- it just seems a bit immature, to me. When my boyfriend and I become involved romantically (after being friends) last summer, he actually collected all the ------------ magazines he had and set them out for the garbage. I didn't know this until recently, and I was shocked and proud of him, haha. After knowing that he spent a good portion of his teen and youth years being interested in magazine pullouts, him throwing away his stash was a pretty damn good way of telling me that I will be the only girl within reach when it comes to that sort of stuff |
I am totally with you here, Freva. And I also mean zero disrespect to anyone here, because I know that opinions will always differ, and that's what makes the world go round.
It always bugs me how society says that it's "perfectly natural" for guys to act like immature pigs! It is complete bull**** in my opinion. It's just a way for society to expect women to be perfect and pure, and to expect guys to be about to do whatever the hell they want, with zero accountability! Again, I speak from personal experience when I say that not all guys are like that. I really cannot stress that enough.
Bira, you are completely within your right to feel hurt by his actions. I understand that it's OK to look at a person and say that they are pretty, much like you would look at pretty flowers or paintings and whatnot. What's NOT OK is looking at naked women (or men!) and lusting for them. I feel that is a form of unfaithfulness.
I pray that you are able to sort this out. Just from reading your comments, you sound like a lovely, caring person. I am sure that, if you can't work it out with your guy, you will find someone who meets and exceeds your standards. I know that I did! *hugs* |
_________________
American Indian/Irish/African descent, bleach-blonde hair with lowlights, tanned skin, greenish-brown eyes, strong facial features and drastically-improved lips! 28, but people tell me that I look seventeen-ish. |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 4:45 pm |
| violetanne wrote: |
| He does not tell the pictures on his computer that he loves them. |
This is a great quote! Made me laugh out loud trying to picture that! |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:21 pm |
| alice~in~wonderland wrote: |
| violetanne wrote: |
| He does not tell the pictures on his computer that he loves them. |
This is a great quote! Made me laugh out loud trying to picture that! |
LOL, but you (and I) will never know if he does or does not tell those pictures that he loves them or not. The fact that he hang on to them, and got angry and only grudgingly deleted them kinda made me think maybe he did tell them he loved them. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:27 pm |
| Diana P wrote: |
| Bira wrote: |
| Hi Freva, I'm one of those who can't accept it, so I will need to get to the bottom of what's really going on with him. I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me and still gives me compliments even when we're 80 years old. I always like to look at elderly couples who take care of each other and their love for each other is clear for anyone to see. I want to be like them. |
I would rather my husband show me how much he loves me, rather than be upset that he doesn't compliment me. I don't remember the last time he complimented me, but he shows me in other ways how much he loves me. He watches the baby every night when he gets home from work so that I can relax in the tub, he gets up early on the weekends with the baby so that I can sleep in even though I know he would like to sleep in. He shows me in alot of ways how much he cares, that I don't even notice that he doesn't give me constant compliments. I think it shows that we have a secure, strong relationship that we don't have to constantly reassure each other of our feelings. |
Diana, your husband sounds like a great guy. I think it's wonderful that he helps you out so much with the baby. Yes, action speaks louder than mere words. However, I bet you when you guys just started dating he was giving you compliments every now and then. It's understandable that after 14 years of marriage and with a baby along, he might forget to compliment you. But if he does, it will still feel very nice and much appreciated though. I read in an article that little things like compliments should not be ignored no matter how long you've been together. It actually will help to spark things up between long-time couples. I am a romantic, and I totally believe in that. I leave little notes to let my bf know I care and love him. I also do little things to let him know that I love him, too. I think every little thing helps. In relationships, there is no right or wrong answer. It's what makes BOTH people happy that counts. So that's why I'm checking with him if he's still happy in this relationship. Those girls might or might not mean anything to him, and I'd rather know that now from him than speculate and waste my time more on this relationship if he's going to pine for other girls. |
|
|
|
|
| Wed Jan 29, 2025 11:13 pm |
If this is your first visit to the EDS Forums please take the time to register. Registration is required for you to post on the forums. Registration will also give you the ability to track messages of interest, send private messages to other users, participate in Gift Certificates draws and enjoy automatic discounts for shopping at our online store. Registration is free and takes just a few seconds to complete.
Click Here to join our community.
If you are already a registered member on the forums, please login to gain full access to the site. |
|
 |
|
|
