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Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:38 am  |
Okay, here's a new funny which I hope will offend no one:
This is allegedly an actual letter sent to a bank by a 96-year-old lady/disgruntled customer. Supposedly the bank manager thought it was so funny that he submitted it to the New York Times for publication. Whether or not this is true, I cannot say, but it is undoubtedly amusing.
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2 .To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)
***
Carrie |
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Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:26 am |
granny sounds pissed!!
I can just see a lil old cartoon lady shaking her finger right now! |
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Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:49 am |
| that priceless! |
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Wed Dec 01, 2004 2:12 pm |
I wish I had taken copy of letter to dentist today. When I got there she was on phone arguing with bank. Told me long saga about pressing this and that button etc. Usual story.Upshot was I think she told them to stick bank where the sun dont shine. |
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50, happy reluma user started 16.6.12 original formula. PMD user. started LouLou's ageless regime. |
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Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:55 am |
| Wow, she really went all out! Pure brilliance! |
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Fri Sep 16, 2011 10:40 pm |
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, I was so excited, I thought Carekate was back!
Then I saw the date on the original post.
phffffth.
Anyone know if she is still around or making great stuff? I had wanted to place an order, um, years ago...
 have a nice day!
M |
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I swear, sometimes I feel my sole reason for existence is to prove God has a sense of humor! |
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Wed Oct 05, 2011 2:20 pm |
Hahaha!  Love it! |
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:09 am |
I love it! Banks should really consider that they are dealing with real people and if they wrongfully charge someone then that someone will be annoyed... Heres to teaching banks a lesson  |
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Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:59 pm |
| People, that's a fake letter. If you really want to stick it to the banks, remove your money and put it into your local credit union. You will be helping the local economy and not stuffing some bankers or Congressman's already full pockets. |
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