need help with depressing living situation
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free skin care · Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:54 am

I know the answer... but have to say there is an issue of fear involved.

I dated this guy for 4.5 years, but he lived with me for 5. That is becuase i gave him 6 months (yes, thats crazy) to save money to get out on his own. I really did care about him at that point.

He did leave at that time - although not financially secure as he would have preferred. 2 months later (a few days before christmas) he text me that where he was living was depressing and had drug deals going on. He needed 2 more months so he could save up and would give me 75 a week. At this point he had a started a new job paying $18 an hour.

I agreed, although it really was the christmas spirit that got me - I really didnt want him back.

Well, 3 weeks later he quit his job - his boss spoke to him in a way he didnt like. It is now 3 months and he sits around my house all day barely looking for work.

I know I have every right to tell him to get out - but hte issue is his anger. He has taken things out on me and my things before.

So... its basically fear that I just pray every day he will find work soon. I just try to keep things calm - but I dont want him here and he is causing me greater anxiety and depression.

I know i could call the cops and get a restraining order - but at some point him retaliating against me would be such a concern I would live in fear every day..

I dont know if there is anything to tell me (other than how dumb I was to let him back - i trusted he would do as he promised - never had that issue with him before)
i cant even tell my friends because they would be so upset I was that dumb to let him back.

Sun Mar 27, 2011 8:29 am

mb...don't kick yourself too hard for being a caring person. You did not know that this is how things were going to turn out. You are now semi-isolated and scared. That is not healthy and you are obviously not in a safe situation. I do not know your financial state but, I would hire a personal body guard or undercover cop to "move in" as my new boyfriend. It probably will only take a day or two to get this leach out of there. A restraining order is not going to keep him from doing anything if that is truely his intention. Having someone else bigger and of sound mind there with you will help. I would also go to the police department and talk to them TODAY. Get their advice and recommendations. They tend to have a distaste for volatile men that instill fear and take advantage of women. This is YOUR home and you do not want him there...period!!!

free skin care · Sun Mar 27, 2011 8:53 am

I totally agree with SandyT, do not blame yourself and take action NOW! I may be wrong but your true friends should be there for you and not make you feel worse, reach out you need support!
Get him out!

free skin care · Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:25 pm

mb935, listen to them. The faster you can get over your embarassment and just handle the problem, the better. You'll feel proud of yourself for taking control. Start by feeling proud of yourself right now for posting here.

Tell as many people as you can. This isn't the type of thing anyone can be expected to handle on their own. You need support so you can feel safe - that's what's most important, not how difficult/awkward/uncomfortable sharing your story might be. You may not feel like its a crisis because you've become used to the situation, but if he's in your home and you're afraid, it is one.
It would be for me. No one who makes you feel tense should be in your own home.

There's no shame in feeling embarassed about bad choices - we've all made them in varying circumstances. It may not feel like it but a lot of people will understand. You ARE taking control of the situation now (& there's no going back), so don't hesitate to write back here if you're still having trouble figuring out how to handle things as they come. You've been allowing yourself to be manipulated and you won't be able to end this cycle overnight (because, not to be rude, but you may not be aware just how wrong or serious this is right now and if you don't know how can you know how to handle it?), so the right thing to do now is get help.

free skin care · Mon Mar 28, 2011 10:36 am

1. Tell him you need the money so will be advertising for a roommate so he will have to leave.

2. If you don't like your place that much, move. If you're afraid he'll follow you, pretend you are moving in with a friend or relative to save money and even do that for a while until he's left the area, then rent a new place and get a mail forwarding address for all your mail.

free skin care · Tue Mar 29, 2011 2:25 pm

Thanks for the help/advice. I appreciate it!!

imy parents actually own my condo. Can't tell them because if my dad knew I needed help getting him out he'd either end up in the hospital or jail out of anger.

I certainly can't just move and he knows this. They bought this for me and can't rent it out since its very expensive for the area - I'm paying the mortgage .

We can get along. but he thinks if he's nice he can continue to stay. Everytime I nicely (which I shouldn't have to) just bring up looking for work - that's when I'm called names, when I'm told its MY fault, when things are broken. Its just bad and I really feel trapped.

The roommate idea is a good one. I mentuoned something similar before. Ill try that again. Thanks

free skin care · Wed Mar 30, 2011 10:04 am

mb935 wrote:

We can get along. but he thinks if he's nice he can continue to stay. Everytime I nicely (which I shouldn't have to) just bring up looking for work - that's when I'm called names, when I'm told its MY fault, when things are broken. Its just bad and I really feel trapped.

Tell him he has to earn his keep, since you are in the role of husband, he has to be the housewife doing all the housework and cooking. Maybe that will shame him into finding work but I doubt it.

How about finding him another girlfriend with low self-esteem who has a nice apartment? Plentyoffish.com is a good resource and it's free so you could post pictures of him. Bad Grin

free skin care · Wed Mar 30, 2011 1:24 pm

Hi Mb935,
I know this may sound a little strange, but I think the more people -- family, friends, colleagues--who know about your situation, the better. You need support and self-assurance and this no longer needs to remain a secret. There is a bit of truth in the concept of "safety in numbers." The more people who are aware of the situation, the less power he holds over you.

For your sake, I hope this situation changes immediately.

Take care.

free skin care · Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:38 pm

Actually this has gotten worse. My mom asked where the extra money he was supposed to be paying me was. I told her the truth and was so angry since she owns the place said he has to out by fri. She is now not speaking to me... has never done this to me before.

I told him in hopes tht would get him worried and it was a blow out. He threw his own computer and said if it were broken he'd toss out the tv he gave me in our agreement to let him stay those 6 extra months. He is crazy. He thinks I'm lyimg and gets all worked up over what's in his head. I can't say anything to get him to understand.

I'm now stuck in the middle of keeping me and my belongings safe and my moms respect. I really hate him but feel I can't do anything till he decides he wants to go
Maybe there's nothing else to say... my fault, something I need to deal with.

I appreciate the responses

free skin care · Wed Mar 30, 2011 7:58 pm

mb935, have you told anyone about his temper and that you're afraid?
Could you ask your friends to visit you or send their male friends or family over to visit you every so often for company?

"Maybe there's nothing else to say... my fault, something I need to deal with."
^ Surely you realize that this kind of thinking is not right. Just imagine if you heard your friends or familymembers saying something like that if they were in the same situation. Now is not the time to be punished or learn your lesson sorting it out on your own, now is the time to get help with this.

free skin care · Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:14 am

Why don't you get legal advice? It may be difficult to get him out under some cities' renter laws. The tenant always has the upper hand.

When is the 6 months time limit up? If he gave you the TV in exchange for him staying, give it back.

free skin care · Thu Mar 31, 2011 6:07 pm

He just needs to move out... not ifs or buts.
Really change tell him he has to be out, no explanations. Call the cops and make them aware of the situation.
Also it would help to speak to women's association that deal with women in abusive situations.

Be with someone when you tell him he has to move out and ask a friend/family member to stay in your apartment until he moves out.

There's no solution to this, it will only escalate.

free skin care · Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:58 pm

You have to stop being the victim of him. He is going to continue bullying you - he knows you are afraid of him. You need to change your thinking. YOU are in charge - it is your place.

Pick the day - have your locks changed, the cops come over - he is removed from your place, you tell him a new MAN that you have been dating is moving in. You get a PFA. You do NOT smile at him or apologize. You are in control. He is OUT...

free skin care · Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:38 pm

I am so sorry you are in this situation, reminds me so much of my ex-husband. He was abusive, mean, would break things, put me down, etc. We bought a house together and a year later I wanted out of the marriage. My Mom convinced me to try to work things out, so I tried. Then about two months later he quit his job. Then he sat around and did nothing for months, didn't even look for work. Stupid me felt sorry for him, tried to be the nice one. He too would get angry if I asked about work. Things escalated even more and right before Christmas, he totally lost it. I had to get the cops over and they escorted him out of the house. Then I got a Restraining Order, changed locks, and eventually a divorce.

All I can say is that it's a scary situation but don't make the mistake I did and think things won't escalate. Take back your power and control of the situation. Get help, the police, friends, parents, etc. The sooner he's gone from your life, the better. It's your place and he has no right to be there.

Big hugs...

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