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Faustine
New Member
 
Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 7
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Wed May 11, 2011 4:06 pm  |
Okay I'm looking for some advice here. I am an artist in my early 30's living and working in London. One of the collectors who buys my work is a man in his mid 60's. He was or rather is a successful musician. Since he took an interest in my work we have become friends and when he is in town he often takes me out to dinner and I have once or twice been his escort at events. I find him charming and stimulating company and for an older man he is very attractive.
I have seen more of him lately and the other night he laid his cards on the table and propositioned me about the possibility of a "romantic" relationship. He has been divorced for a number of years now and says that while he hadn't expected to care for anyone again I had rather taken him by surprise and if I was willing we could begin spending more time together.
I am not sure what to think my instinct is that I like him very much and so why not but he is a good 40 years older than me which is a large age gap, I am worried that I might fall for him and then lose him. He seems fit and well now but he is older and he did previously have drink and drug addictions in the 80's which may have affected his health.
Does anyone have experience of large age gap relationships. Should I take a chance with him or would it be a mistake? |
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Wed May 11, 2011 4:28 pm |
Yup. My boyfriend is 14 years older than me. Its not 40 years, but it raises a few eyebrows when we meet new people. Usually gets me angry glares from older women, rude questions from younger men, and he gets handshakes and hi-fives from men his own age. I'm a tart and he is a rock star according to these double standards. Makes for some uncomfortable social situations for me.
There are definitely issues related to age besides the social aspect. Music, movies, etc that are a part of my childhood, he can't relate to because he was in college or even older. But the biggest issue is that we are in completely different life stages. He has kids from a previous marriage, which is a HUGE issue. I'm just starting out in my career, he's already finished one and starting another. I am looking into buying my very first house to call my own, he's already had three. I struggle every day with his much lengthier past cheapening my own experience to grow old with someone, as selfish as that sounds. You don't realize how important that is till you accept you'll never have that opportunity.
All this said, we've been together for three years and are very happy on the whole, but I never expected the hurdles we've had. I do not regret one second of it, and wouldn't pass him up if I were to do it over. Don't miss the chance to be with the perfect person, even if one of you was born in the wrong decade. |
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Late 30's, fair skin, dark hair. Retin A, DIY potions. Missions completed- acne, acne scarring, 11's, redness, contact dermatitis. Working on maintenence and cellulite. |
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Wed May 11, 2011 9:43 pm |
What? Has Eric Clapton dumped his wife already? 
I am an older woman but I prefer younger men for that reason -- men die about ten years before women do and if I find someone I really like, I'd hate for him to drop dead. At least with a younger man, I'd have more time with him. However, there are no guarantees in life. Who was that older actor -- might have starred in a British soap -- who woke up to find his wife, who was about twenty years younger -- dead in bed?
As long as you don't get pregnant -- it's very cruel to deprive a child of his father and being a single mother would be no picnic -- why not have fun? Make him get a vasectomy. Then let him treat you to trips all over the world and buy you designer clothes. He can afford it and probably expects to do it anyway. He knows lots of people so it would be good for you to network for your business. |
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Thu May 12, 2011 9:06 am |
| Have done. Agree with Softskin. How often do you meet a man who understands what/why you do as an artist? (I'm also an artist) What matters is that you connect not only in the usually encountered physical attraction area, but that you relate in a cultural context - this is so important to artists. It doesn't have to be the same, but it does have to be mutually stimulating in the aesthetic, artistic and cultural areas as well as the physical. The most erogenous area is the brain!!! If you want/need to have children, well you need to discuss that with HIM, not a blog. Good luck and happy days alone or together. And Softskin is so right - an older and well established man will get much pleasure in giving you what you need to thrive and grow, as well as nice designer clothes if that's what you like. |
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Thu May 12, 2011 4:11 pm |
| If you're in your 30's and he's in his 60's, that's a 30 year difference. 40 year old difference would be you dating a man in his 70's... |
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24 yrs old. favorite sunscreen right now: Burnout [now 35] |
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Thu May 12, 2011 4:22 pm |
14 years doesn't seem like *that* much of a gap if you're both over 25. My cousin got married last year to a man older than her- she's in her late 20's and he's 40. Nobody made a big deal out of their age difference (to my knowledge) and they're expecting a baby girl soon.
| Ava with wings wrote: |
Yup. My boyfriend is 14 years older than me. Its not 40 years, but it raises a few eyebrows when we meet new people. Usually gets me angry glares from older women, rude questions from younger men, and he gets handshakes and hi-fives from men his own age. I'm a tart and he is a rock star according to these double standards. Makes for some uncomfortable social situations for me.
There are definitely issues related to age besides the social aspect. Music, movies, etc that are a part of my childhood, he can't relate to because he was in college or even older. But the biggest issue is that we are in completely different life stages. He has kids from a previous marriage, which is a HUGE issue. I'm just starting out in my career, he's already finished one and starting another. I am looking into buying my very first house to call my own, he's already had three. I struggle every day with his much lengthier past cheapening my own experience to grow old with someone, as selfish as that sounds. You don't realize how important that is till you accept you'll never have that opportunity.
All this said, we've been together for three years and are very happy on the whole, but I never expected the hurdles we've had. I do not regret one second of it, and wouldn't pass him up if I were to do it over. Don't miss the chance to be with the perfect person, even if one of you was born in the wrong decade. |
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24 yrs old. favorite sunscreen right now: Burnout [now 35] |
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Thu May 12, 2011 6:48 pm |
I was only 26 when we started dating, it was definitely a big deal to my coworkers (I'm the only girl in a computer support team, median age 22), and to my parents (who had me young enough to consider him their peer). A lot of people made a really big deal out of it at first, and I still cringe when someone asks him if I'm his daughter, which happens from time to time. I don't even think we look that far apart personally. As I get older and start to look older, this will surely stop, but it certainly wasn't easy when we started.
And I wouldn't bank on designer clothes from an older man... their ex wives already took all their money.  |
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Late 30's, fair skin, dark hair. Retin A, DIY potions. Missions completed- acne, acne scarring, 11's, redness, contact dermatitis. Working on maintenence and cellulite. |
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Thu May 12, 2011 8:37 pm |
Do what your instincts tell you and what you want.
Me? I would no way want to date a 60 year old. No way could they be sexually on par with someone half their age... or be in the same chapter of life.
Also..I'd think the man was just looking for a young girl..unable to date in his own age group. However..if he does it for you...it is only dating.. "don't marry him..you'll be taking care of a senior citizen before you know it." |
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Thu May 12, 2011 8:53 pm |
| hotdocgirl wrote: |
| I would no way want to date a 60 year old. No way could they be sexually on par with someone half their age. I'd think the man was just looking for a young girl..unable to date in his own age group. "don't marry him..you'll be taking care of a senior citizen before you know it." |
I totally agree. Once a man hits 50 he has more times when he is unable to perform in bed. The excitement of a new woman might work for a time, but once that wears off, it will mean very little sex.
Old men want a woman to take care of them when they become infirm. That is why I date younger. I'd rather have a man take care of me when I get old!  |
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Faustine
New Member
Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 7
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Fri May 13, 2011 4:40 am |
| SoftSkin wrote: |
| What? Has Eric Clapton dumped his wife already? |
Not Eric Clapton no but he is of the same era!
Too bad about older men's stamina in bed as I really like older men. They peak for me at 40 - 50 but then seem to go down hill quickly after that. |
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Fri May 13, 2011 8:02 pm |
I hope it's not Ron Wood! He likes 'em young. Come to think of it, you are probably too old for him now.
Ask this guy why he doesn't date women closer to his own age. I guarantee he'll say, "Older women aren't that attractive, don't age well, have let themselves go, don't like sex, etc." Then you can say, "I have a friend your age who says the same about men your age!" These guys don't have a clue.
Tell him to try the Telegraph's dating website. It would be funny if he contacted me! I look a lot younger and have lied about my age so it's possible. I had a musician from a well known '80s rock band contact me on another dating website last year. He was very attractive (had his portrait in the National Gallery) but didn't know how to relate to normal women, having been spoilt by groupies who stunted his emotional growth. It was rather sad. His chat up line was, "I'll buy you a designer frock if you give me a wank and listen to me talk without interrupting." Ooh, I'll be right over..  |
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Sat May 14, 2011 8:42 am |
| SoftSkin wrote: |
I hope it's not Ron Wood! He likes 'em young. Come to think of it, you are probably too old for him now.
Ask this guy why he doesn't date women closer to his own age. I guarantee he'll say, "Older women aren't that attractive, don't age well, have let themselves go, don't like sex, etc." Then you can say, "I have a friend your age who says the same about men your age!" These guys don't have a clue.
Tell him to try the Telegraph's dating website. It would be funny if he contacted me! I look a lot younger and have lied about my age so it's possible. I had a musician from a well known '80s rock band contact me on another dating website last year. He was very attractive (had his portrait in the National Gallery) but didn't know how to relate to normal women, having been spoilt by groupies who stunted his emotional growth. It was rather sad. His chat up line was, "I'll buy you a designer frock if you give me a wank and listen to me talk without interrupting." Ooh, I'll be right over.. |
Fab post!
That last one sounds like a real catch.  |
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Sun May 15, 2011 3:09 pm |
It all depends what is considered a lot older. My husband is older then me. We grew up at different times, but we still have some similarities.
It hurt to read that someone would post that they wouldn't date an older man because they think that older men can't perform in bed as well or keep up with a younger women sexually or die before the female partner.
When I am dating, I don't judge in that way. I don't think when are they going to die, but pray that he will live a very happy, healthy life just like I wish on everyone. If you found your life partner, no matter how much older they are, isn't that more important?
As for getting looks because my husband is older then me, I never noticed that. He looks really good for his age and I guess the age difference is not that noticable.
Did it ever occur that maybe older men don't want to get involved with women their age because they are simply sick of their attitude? I don't mean to hurt anyone feelings on my comment. |
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Mon May 16, 2011 6:24 pm |
My boyfriend says that too about the attitude, I think its a generation and not an age. No offense intended, but my generation seems to be a bit more independent than the women he's used to dating. I know we have some wonderful women in their 40's and 50's, I know some amazing ones, not trying to hate on them. My boyfriend just had enough really unacceptable treatment to steer clear completely. Its not at all about looks or whatever, mine seems to actually prefer the way an attractive older women looks.
That being said, I find myself more sexually compatible with older men also. Men my age don't put don't their video games long enough to perform, or if they do its a big race- an older man takes his time. He's lived long enough to put it into perspective and cherish it. |
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Late 30's, fair skin, dark hair. Retin A, DIY potions. Missions completed- acne, acne scarring, 11's, redness, contact dermatitis. Working on maintenence and cellulite. |
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Tue May 17, 2011 7:05 am |
I was born when my dad was 40 and my brothers at 45 & 50. They both went on to marry at 40 girls in their 20's.
Yes, bringing children into the picture is tricky, but isn't life just risky ingeneral sometimes. There are no guarantees even in doing it all at the "perfect" time.
It is a matter of taste and compatability.
The most important question is not what others think, it's how YOU feel.
Love knows no age, race or gender, it just knows what it knows!
Best of luck. |
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Joined the 50 club several years back, blonde w/ fair/sensitive skin, Texas humidity and prone to rosacea, light breakouts and sunburns, combo skin type, starting to see sundamage and fine lines |
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Tue May 17, 2011 12:38 pm |
Did it ever occur that maybe older men don't want to get involved with women their age because they are simply sick of their attitude?
No, but it's been my observation that many of the men who prefer to date younger women do so because of the perceived advantage it gives them (life experience, power, money, etc.) over these women and they like the ability to control their women partners. I have always had a strong independent streak and therefore, dated my equals - and very much place a priority on the shared life experience that comes from aging the same era.
BFG |
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Tue May 17, 2011 3:51 pm |
Thinking my boyfriend just had bad experiences with women his own age, he would have loved to meet an independent woman in their 40's or 50's, trust me. I have always speculated that living in the Midwest has a lot to do with this. I feel women on the coasts are vastly different in terms of values and independence.
He doesn't have any money or power, and I practically resent his greater life experience because I wasn't there to share it along side him, so I don't think age has a tactical advantage in many cases. I DO think that this plays a part for some men (the fragile ego, sorry all you men out there) but I don't think I share this experience. Good to examine all the angles though to get a variety of opinions. |
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Late 30's, fair skin, dark hair. Retin A, DIY potions. Missions completed- acne, acne scarring, 11's, redness, contact dermatitis. Working on maintenence and cellulite. |
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songyini1101
New Member
Joined: 17 May 2011
Posts: 1
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Tue May 17, 2011 4:35 pm |
| I don't like old man |
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Wed May 18, 2011 3:14 am |
Yes, it should go without mentioning that individual mileage may differ
but I think it's a cultural cliche for a reason..
That said, I see that no one has mentioned the fact that on average, men have a shorter life span - so there's a double whammy.
but I wish the best for all
BFG |
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Wed May 18, 2011 5:34 pm |
| Barefootgirl wrote: |
on average, men have a shorter life span - so there's a double whammy.
BFG |
That's another reason I date younger. I just had a 37-year old and a 30-year old contact me on a dating website. That's a bit too young for me. There should be a middle ground between changing diapers if they are too young and changing diapers if they are too old. |
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Thu May 19, 2011 6:58 am |
too funny! I am not looking to become some guy's nurse, no matter how much he fills my purse
we live but once and life is short.
bfg |
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Thu May 19, 2011 7:21 am |
| Barefootgirl wrote: |
too funny! I am not looking to become some guy's nurse, no matter how much he fills my purse
we live but once and life is short.
bfg |
I don't know...we don't live like that. We live in a very good area and go for walks on weekend mornings and sit at a cafe to drink coffee and do people watching and say a friendly hello to locals. In the summer we go up North and enjoy fresh air and quiet. We walk around from boutique or bakery to deli shops to get our things, socialize in the evening or stay home. We are looking into buying a boat now and trying to decide to get 42 feet or 50 feet.
I think it would be worse if there was memory loss and that can start at early age also. It really depends how you live your life. All I can say that even though we have age difference, we really look good for our age and haven't slowed down.
I get the feeling from women older then 50, divorced, that they are bitter and trying to live a better lifestyle, but have a chip on their shoulder. My friends who are in their 50's, married is not like that at all. They are active and have a nice glow. I really think having an older man does not affect the activity and relationship.
I would not encourage to date younger or older person. Just don't draw a line that limit the people you meet. If I was like that, then I get the feeling I shouldn't mingle with anyone over 50. They are too old.
I have male & female friends at that age and we have a great time together, including my younger friends.
Life is so short and I enjoy my older man!  But he is only ten years older, thats not bad. |
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Thu May 19, 2011 8:38 pm |
| Ava with wings wrote: |
| Yup. My boyfriend is 14 years older than me. Its not 40 years, but it raises a few eyebrows when we meet new people. Usually gets me angry glares from older women, rude questions from younger men, and he gets handshakes and hi-fives from men his own age. I'm a tart and he is a rock star according to these double standards. Makes for some uncomfortable social situations for me. |
A 14 year age difference does not seem like that big of a gap to me. He's not old enough to be your father. I guess if you were a teenager, this difference in years would be a big deal. As you get older it won't seem like that much of a gap anymore. I guess it's all relative. |
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Fri May 20, 2011 10:25 am |
As I said in my prior message, happiness to all and to each her own  ... I enjoy my slightly younger man and he enjoys me, we all have preferences and shouldn't feel the need to justify or explain them at length
bfg |
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Fri May 20, 2011 11:29 am |
My ex husband was 12 years older than me. He became insecure about my youth and started with plastic surgery and then it was a toupee. Later he became an exercise junkie. We were going to Hawaii once at the same time as the Ironman and someone approached us and asked if I was a competitor - they thought he was my coach. He did not like that. (He has done the Ironman three times since.}
My point is I think some older men want a younger woman because they think it reflects on them: if I can be with a younger woman I must still have it "going on". For a younger woman that's kind of an insult - to be desired for the wrong reasons... - I agree that the man may make excuses about it: women their own age fall apart, blah, blah, blah but I can tell you this... There are "kid bars" - clubs, etc that cater to the under 30 crowd. At these places there is always a quota of men well over 50 years of age hanging around trying to pick up young girls and they are known as "The Creepers"... Some men do not want their independent equal. They can't handle it.
When I see a young woman/older man pairing (I'm going to say over 10/12 years or so) you do wonder what's up. Unfortunately whether anyone likes it or not - there are stereotypes about these pairings that ring true. |
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Enjoying dermalogica with my ASG and Pico toner ** Disclosure: I was a participant without remuneration in promotional videos for Ageless Secret Gold and the Neurotris Pico Emmy event. |
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