BREAKING UP WITH BEST FRIEND, IT'S HARD TO DO
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free skin care · Sat Sep 03, 2011 10:24 am

I broke up with my best friend this week because bottom line......it's hard to watch a train wreck year after year.

Her husband is severely mentally ill I believe and abuses her and her kids and she is enmeshed in the codependency. Not only is this hard on me but I can't continue to indirectly enable it.

Now she's very very depressed and I'm out of the picture totally, did 7 years of solid wisdom or advice help before?

Will she finally do the right thing and leave him for a much much much better life? I guess time will tell. I hope so because I really truly love her.

free skin care · Sat Sep 03, 2011 11:07 pm

Quote:

Her husband is severely mentally ill I believe and abuses her and her kids

Let me be the first to applaud your decision. That took a lot of courage.

I feel very bad for your loss, but is there anything at all that you - or anyone - could do to help her kids? They're caught in the middle and it's not their fault.

free skin care · Sun Sep 04, 2011 10:17 am

I lost a best friend in a divorce. My ex pressured her husband to force her to cut off our relationship, and she did. That hurt worse than the divorce.

So it ended differently from yours, but there were other similarities. Her husband was worth a lot of money, and she had quit her job, so she was financially dependent on him, and he was extremely abusive to her, physically and verbally, even in public and certainly in front of me. Many times I told him to cut it out, and he would listen to me -- but probably also resented it (contributing, I assume, to his later willingness to comply with my ex's request).

It was always something with him, and I felt like she needed my support. He was mean to the three kids too, but they mostly blew him off, and were sent to boarding school at an early age.

Anyway, I admire you for having the guts to end it. In the long run, you probably would not have been able to change anything about her situation, but if your relationship was anything like mine, you would have invested countless hours in propping her up. (I realized I was codependent too!)

It's one of those you-can't-change-others-you-can-only-change-your-reaction-to-them conundrums. It took me a few years (including one tearful confrontation when we happened to run into each other) to get over the pain, and has resulted in my remaining arms-length in a lot of my relationships. I don't think I will ever be able to handle another Barbara. Don't be surprised at the level of grief you feel, and try not to beat yourself up.

free skin care · Sun Sep 04, 2011 10:26 am

Thank you both, yes it's really painful and I can't help but feel "mean." You know, tough love at an extreme, I'm her ONLY connection to normalcy.

I've never once seen her husband smile at her or the kids, touch them, hug them, be affectionate. And because I grew up in that kind of atmosphere where the mom is acting like everything is fine amidst such coldness, extreme dysfunction, and overall weirdness it's especially painful to witness.

The continual put downs and all the other abusive behavior will never change (along with his grossness, no hygiene etc). After every drama incident, getting drunk, wrecking cars, going to jail with the ensuing period of everything is going to be so much better now la la la, it makes me physically sick.

Yes it IS codependent to continue a relationship where you're biting your tongue and never saying what you think. The one thing I did tell her hundreds of times is that she deserves much much better. Her husband is basically unemployable because of being extremely socially disabled, and gross. The only jobs he gets are in warehouses where he can sit in front of a computer and not interact with people. But he hasn't worked in years.

free skin care · Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:19 am

That must of been very hard to do. It is hard to decide if you should stay and try to help or move on. Sometimes it can be too much on trying to help and it doesn't go anywhere.

Be strong and keep yourself busy with other things. Any form of relationship is hard to depart.

free skin care · Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:58 am

secretly, I'm sorry for your loss too, and I also applaud your courage and wisdom in making the decision you made.

I wish your friend sought counseling. When a victim like she appears to be, it can be scary to even consider this as she'd probably have to do it secretly in order not to aggravate the situation she's in. If she liked to read, there are self-help books she could read (even e-books if she didn't want the book being found lying about). But she does have to want to help herself and does need some self-esteem to realize she does deserve better. Sounds like her dude could use some help too.

When I hear stories like this, I think of Sleeping with the Enemy and how Julia's character seemed so helpless and hopeless and it seemed she was doomed to that life. But she didn't accept the status quo. She knew it wasn't right, and she quietly planned an escape.

I know it can be hard, but your friend needs to wake up to the fact that she isn't supposed to be treated like that. It's almost like dealing with an addict. The addict has to decide to stop being a victim, and only when open to that and willing to break away can things start to change.

I know you'll have moments when you'll feel sad and feel like you deserted your friend and worry about what she might do. At those times, I suggest you consider it a sign that she needs a prayer. I believe in prayer even when not sure what to pray for. Just placing her in the hands of One I believe is Omniscient, Omnipotent and Omnipresent would give me some peace and reassurance that she's not alone. Best wishes in finding a friend who'll be symbiotically good for you. *Hugs*

free skin care · Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:59 pm

thanks so much for the heartfelt replies.....here's the deal, she is not open to any kind of advice or insight. She's a victim who is so depressed and cannot see the common denominator in her misery is always her husband, she thinks she can fix and change him.

Always being there to support this is so draining, defeating, and futile. Telling her to read something or giving her any kind of direction only makes her so mad, because you are "judging her." it's really a lose lose situation. And yes I completely agree that praying is the only thing I can do at this point.

I miss her but I seriously don't miss the drama at all, it's nice to have some peace.

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