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Wed Sep 12, 2012 12:57 am  |
Hi Everyone. I would really appreciate your advice on the following issue.
Ever since my teens I have been around a UK size 10. I have always been told that I have an amazing figure with big boobs but slim and a good amount of muscle. In December 2010 I had a baby and stayed at around a uk size 10/12 while I was breastfeeding. Then when I stopped breastfeeding in January 2012 I went back to being a UK size 10.
So in January 2011 (a month after I had given birth) and at around a size 10/12 me and my partner went round to his parents for lunch made from a hamper we had bought the father for Christmas. In the midst of the meal I announced that I was going to start Trapeze classes to which my partner's father replied "You are too fat to do the trapeze"! This comment was so unexpected and hurtful that I burst in to tears and left the room. I returned about 5 minutes later but the father did not apologise and only tried to justify his comment by saying that his sister was also fat and that she lost weight.
Then about 4 days ago I went round to my partner's parents with my daughter. My partner was not there. We were sitting around the table and my daughter was trying to eat some of her grandmother's sandwiches. My partner's father said that my daughter always wants to eat and asked "Were you like that?" to which I replied "When I was born I was overdue so came out very small but I fed and fed and got big." Then he said "Ah so you admit you are a bit big now then." Laughed and sort of hugged me. Again I was caught off guard. I did not know what to say so I meakly said yes but deep inside I felt humiliated. I am a UK size 10! Since when was that big? Ok I am not a stick insect but still. Then his wife who is very thin maybe a UK size 6 or something winked at me and said "Ah but she is beautiful though", as though what her husband had said was true. Or maybe she was just saying that because I had said yes to what he said.
I am also concerned for my daughter as I do not want her growing up with this fixation on weight. We all know what trouble that can cause. She is a perfect weight - very healthy looking - but I have overheard her grandfather say to her in the past not to overeat because she will get fat. She is 22 months old! I very rarely give her anything with sugar in and feed her mainly a gluten free diet with lots of veggies. She has a hearty appetite but she will not eat if she is not hungry. Her two cousins are very skinny. One of them is about 3 months older than her, bottle fed and is very thin but I think that the grandparents think that she is a healthy weight or something and that my daughter is overweight.
Anyway ever since then I have been brewing over what he said. I even had a dream about it the following night and woke up crying. The fact is even though I am not fat his comments still affect me. It is true that my interests all evolve around looking and being fit and healthy so hearing something like this is not very encouraging whether it is true or not. The first time the father said I was fat I was wearing a baggy jumper at the time and as I said before I do have big boobs so maybe this made me look bigger than I am but by now he has seen me enough times to know that this is not the case so why did he say it again? I keep thinking that there may be other intentions behind it or something. So that is why I am writing in this forum. I was wondering if anyone could share their thoughts on his comments? Am I just being overly sensitive or do I have a right to be upset about this? Furthermore should I say something to him or just leave it?
Thanks guys 
p.s. They live on the same road as us so it is hard to avoid the father. Italian families... |
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Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:52 am |
As far as I'm concerned, it's never appropriate to make fun of someone's appearance. Every culture and sub-culture has it's own ideas of what "beauty" is, and it makes it even worse that it was a family member who did this to you.
The only time a loved one should care about another's weight is if they are so underweight/overweight that it might affect that person's health. (And that's obviously not what was going on here!) I don't know much about UK sizes, but from what I understand, a 10 really ISN'T big on that scale. So I don't know why he even bothered mentioning it. It's especially strange that he feels the need to drill your daughter about this, too. She's still a baby for crying out loud. 
But there is nothing you can do to change his mind. If he thinks you're fat, he's going to keep thinking it. All you can do is lose a little weight and then rub it in his face, lol.
And this is going to sound particularly bitchy---but make sure if/when his hair line starts receding that you're the first to "joke" about it. Fair is fair!  |
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Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:56 am |
Size 10/12, no you are NOT FAT.
Your father in law, sorry to say, sounds like a bully. Even IF he would think you could lose a bit of weight, should not mean he can behave to you like that. And that just shortly after you have given him a granddaughter too! I think he is totally out of line.
If you are in any way concerned about the weight of your daughter, don't listen to your obviously somewhat vicious father in law, but ask the nurse or the doctor. They know about healthy weight and diet and if they are convinced your daughter's weight is OK then it IS.
Same goes for your own weight. YOU know you're not fat (and your size says you're not fat). So there's no weight problem, but a mentality problem of your inlaws. I hope this will sort out in time, in the mean time I wish you strength and patience to deal with this. |
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Wed Sep 12, 2012 4:49 am |
UK size 10 is NOT fat in any shape or form (equivalent to a US size 6) so please do not worry about that. In fact, I'm sure that you must look slim at that size, rather than anything else. Perhaps he is so used to his wife being tiny that you look bigger in comparison to him; you certainly wouldn't look big to anyone else, I bet!
From what you say, I don't actually think he means to be nasty or insulting. I think it's just thoughtlessness. Perhaps your partner could have a quiet word with his father in order to let him know how you feel and to tell him that it's not a good idea to encourage children to become fixated with being thin. Even better, if you otherwise find him easy to talk to, tell him yourself - but maybe with your partner's backup.
I suspect that he'll probably turn out to be sorry that he has upset or worried you. Hopefully, he might even change his ways.
But again, I must stress: you are NOT fat! |
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Wed Sep 12, 2012 9:53 am |
It’s too bad that you live so close to your in-laws.
The Bible rule to leave father and mother and cleave unto the wife is perfectly good sense.
You should have a talk with your partner, or rather write down your concerns to him.
Ideally, he should have a private talk with his father.
You can also pretend that you didn’t hear and talk to your daughter or change the subject in any way.
You might even ask the in-laws what exercise program they’re following, and encourage THEM to get in shape. Just because someone is thin, doesn’t mean that they’re anywhere fit or even healthy.
And lastly, you can agree with your boyfriend to cut the visit short when your in-laws start up again. That’s probably the only advantage to living nearby. |
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Fri Sep 14, 2012 3:30 am |
| eh.dont let the power dynamic of impertinent in law affect you in the slightest. start as you mean to go on, be authentic. show your true self. be indignant. say " I am clearly not fat, please dont start teasing me in this way, about this or anything else, and please dont do it to my daughter. afaic, referring to others weight is seriously bad manners, intrusive, and encourages self consciousness where none is needed. I feel strongly about this and would ask for your sensitivity here to overcome any silly habits of undermining people about body size." ... or whatever assertive " speech" suits your style. I hardly think it matters if you make them uncomfortable for a few minutes while you speak up, compared to what they are doing to you.They are agressing against you and if you dont stand up to it now the power dynamic will continue to play out in oh so many ways, trust me. seize the time to make it known you are no wimp, and you can and will stand your ground, firmly and kindly, and no one can undermine you and get away with it. No-One! including italian family members! good luck with speaking your truth. xxx |
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Fri Sep 14, 2012 2:31 pm |
| This guy sounds like a passive-agressive control freak. That's how they 'keep us in line' by planting little doubts in our minds about our appearance. I would not let this pass - sharply rebuke him! You deserve to be treated kindly. |
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Sat Sep 15, 2012 6:58 am |
| cherallynne forcella wrote: |
| This guy sounds like a passive-agressive control freak. That's how they 'keep us in line' by planting little doubts in our minds about our appearance. I would not let this pass - sharply rebuke him! You deserve to be treated kindly. |
spot on! |
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Sat Sep 15, 2012 8:19 am |
I agree with all said, a size 6 or a 10 is not fat, its not model thin either, but def not fat by any means. Well actually could be model thin if your very tall. Please do not let this consume you, your health is a lot more important than pleasing this insensitive man.
Since you obviously (and I get that) can not tell him yourself, that this is OUT OF LINE, I would ask my partner to intercede. A Father in law should not be worrying about YOUR figure, no matter what your size. Its actually creepy. |
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Reluma, PMD. Never sit on a fence, you get shot by both sides. |
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Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:32 am |
Ladies,
Thank you so much for all your helpful replies. I have found them so useful. It's a funny thing that when you talk about what is troubling you it tends not to trouble you as much as before. Indeed ever since I posted the problem and read all your replies I don't really think about it much and certainly not in such an emotional way as before. I feel like I have a support system behind me which is such a comforting thing in a situation like this. Thank you all so much  |
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kerri78237
New Member
 
Joined: 06 Sep 2013
Posts: 7
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Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:36 am |
| Moon....That is terrible....I have a couple of family members we have just pretty much put out of our orbit!...I know that is not possible for some but mean spirited people are just not good to be around, family or not...Lesson I learned a long time age... |
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Mon Sep 09, 2013 7:07 pm |
He sounds like an ass.
A UK size 10 is definitely not fat! That's a US size 6, quite tiny. |
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Derminator, phytoceramides, Retin-A, DIY Vitamin C serum, Ageless if You Dare and Pilates! |
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Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:04 pm |
Some v good advice here! I agree with all the above, Moon, you are by no means fat, and even if you were, its no business of his. I have an equally rude comeback if all else fails, although it doesnt apply exactly in your case: "I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight."
He *is* an ass! Is he oogling your chest while he makes these rude comments? Maybe he means "big" in a different way!
He definitely has a problem and needs to be brought up by the short hairs about it. It will be a good lesson for your daughter to realize that ppl cannot say these things without consequences. |
_________________
✪ My go-to products: MyFawnie.BigCartel.com ✪ |
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Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:44 pm |
I have an uncle who is kind of like this. I just let him know (privately) a while back that it was hurtful and disrespectful when he said stuff like this, and that I was telling him because I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings and that he cared about me. But I also told him if he persisted in being similarly insensitive in the future that it would cause me to change my mind about his motives, and that I would negatively engage him any time he chose to behave this way again. Or something to that effect...those weren't exact words.
Anyway, he got the message. Turns out he was just being an unthinking jerk because he'd gotten away with it for so long...my aunt, my mother, all the other women in my family just let him do it. He didn't really want to be. He did slip and insult me a few times more over the years but every time it happened it was unpleasant for him, for me, and for anyone who happened to be in the same room with us.  Now he thinks about stuff like that before he says it.
Maybe your FIL is the same...only a jerk because he's been let to get away with it for far too long, not because he really wants to be one.
Regardless...best of luck you. It's a difficult situation. At least with me it was blood family not in-laws. In-law adds a whole 'nother dimension to an already sticky situation. |
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Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:16 pm |
He sounds inappropriately interested in your body. Also unfortunately lacking the kind of social skills that would keep his unhealthy opinions on other peoples body weight to himself.
Usually shaming someone like this happens when a person feels negative emotions about themselves, even without knowing it. They externalize by shaming you instead, possibly because something about you inadvertently makes him uncomfortable. Even just being a beautiful woman can do this - with men and women. Fortunately (as I'm sure you've realized) although people's behavior can be appalling and inexplicable sometimes, not everybody who can be awful is all bad, and not everyone who seems lovely is all good. You have to weigh up the positives and the negatives for you and your family as a whole, and sometimes make exceptions for the brokenness in some people that no amount of confrontation will 'fix' - although I agree a nice talk with both you and your husband with your stepdad if you felt it was the right thing to do might be good to let him know his remarks on weight around you and your daughter are not appreciated.
At first its hard to believe this actually is all the other persons 'stuff' and has absolutely nothing to do with you, aside from how you just being you brought up emotions in them related to their own issues, but after experiencing it enough you learn to recognize it for what it is. It doesn't make it any less painful, but does help you reason your way through it a little more easily so that you no longer take on any blame or feelings of low self worth.
I'm sure you worked all this out already. I try to have a bit of compassion for whatever uncomfortable feelings being around you may make him feel. I mean, its not that its impossible that really rude judgmental people exist, and that may actually be the case, but I think it is more rare than we think, and even that behavior is based in people's pain. Either way the behavior is inappropriate, and this will not have been the first time relationships have been strained because of this type of behavior from him, which is sad really. As long as your husband loves and supports you and your own esteem is as healthy as it seems to be, this kind of thing (so long as your daughter is appropriately protected) will inevitably bring you and your husband closer together. All the best!
BTW, I had the misfortune of having to work with an extreme misogynist recently. He was dismissive and insulting about both myself and another woman who is an absolute pioneer and leader in her field admired the world over. I was publicly humiliated in front of many, but held my ground quietly. It was severely embarrassing nonetheless, as he had a whole crew of minions that were desperate not to attract his ire, so everyone turned a blind eye. In the end, it turned out wonderfully and myself and the other woman were right. I had to remind myself that it was not personal. It was just a man that believed women should be submissive and seen and not heard, and I triggered something in him somehow. It still hurt though, even though my brain understood all of this. |
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Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:38 pm |
| fawnie wrote: |
Some v good advice here! I agree with all the above, Moon, you are by no means fat, and even if you were, its no business of his. I have an equally rude comeback if all else fails, although it doesnt apply exactly in your case: "I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight."
He *is* an ass! Is he oogling your chest while he makes these rude comments? Maybe he means "big" in a different way!
He definitely has a problem and needs to be brought up by the short hairs about it. It will be a good lesson for your daughter to realize that ppl cannot say these things without consequences. |
Now that's putting it succinctly Fawnie...Bravo!
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♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Wed Sep 11, 2013 5:30 am |
A UK size 10 isn’t big, and that’s a fact. I think this fatherinlaw is a jerk, but if he is saying hurtful comments and you don’t feel in a position to tell him not to make them, then you need to speak to other people and get them to do it for you. You have to think also about your daughter, and how she will be effected by these kind of things too.
I’d also speak to his wife, and tell her you are very concerned about bringing your daughter round to them because of the hurtful comments he’s making which upsets you, but also because you do not want to subject your daughter to that.
What about having a word with your partner and getting him to speak to him?
Also you could try having a few things rehearsed so next time you are round there and he makes such a comment you turn round and say “that’s a really hurtful and nasty thing to say”. Or “I’m only a size 10 which in the UK is actually a really healthy size to be and most women want to be it”.
Its probably a nasty habit he has always had his whole life, which isn’t an excuse but start making him wise up to the idea that its hurtful and who knows maybe it will stop. |
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Wed Sep 11, 2013 5:42 pm |
Maybe get professionally measured by a bra fitter. Perhaps your bra makes you look fat. I prefer wearing minimizer bras because they give me support without squashing me and I do look slimmer in some clothes.
Just avoid your father-in-law as much as possible. Could he be getting senile? Some older people become unable to censor their outbursts due to lack of oxygen to the brain. How old is he? |
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Wed Sep 11, 2013 10:49 pm |
Not only are you not fat at a size ten, you are probably every healthy man's dream with full boobs and curves. And obviously have a beautiful face, too! Pay no mind to your father in law, obviously your partner loves your shape and I can assure you, many other men do, too. Some guys are set on really skinny women, they are a minority. Still, for your father in law to say such a thing, and for his wife not to kick his ass when he does: not okay.
Be proud of your figure and show it off. In my husbands family, everyone is really skinny, I'm a european 38, so about a size 10, have 75 C cup boobs and a sizeable round butt. I wear figure hugging clothes a lot, and when there's family and friends parties, guess who gets the most hugs and looks from the men? Not my husband's skinny sisters... Also, as you get older, a little flesh on your bones will always make you look younger. My mom, who is a pear shape, lost some 10 kilos some years ago. Fit in skinny jeans, but all of a sudden was saggy and looked well older!
So wear your sexy curves with pride! Sophia Loren did! |
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Thu Sep 12, 2013 3:05 pm |
| SoftSkin wrote: |
Maybe get professionally measured by a bra fitter. Perhaps your bra makes you look fat. I prefer wearing minimizer bras because they give me support without squashing me and I do look slimmer in some clothes.
Just avoid your father-in-law as much as possible. Could he be getting senile? Some older people become unable to censor their outbursts due to lack of oxygen to the brain. How old is he? |
SoftSkin, you just lightened my mood considerably. This post is hilararious! 'Outbursts due to lack of oxygen to the brain'
Thanks for that.
Even if the OP is long gone, we all still seem to be having fun with this |
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