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Wed May 09, 2007 6:13 am  |
A little boy goes to his father and asks
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father
answers: "Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine month s later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll Down
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You got Male! |
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Thu May 10, 2007 4:41 pm |
Ah Winnie - thank you for that! It provided a much needed laugh after a wayyyyy too long day! |
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Thu May 10, 2007 4:45 pm |
Good one Winnie. Thanks.  |
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Thu May 17, 2007 7:37 pm |
"God, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that, Eve?"
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that, God?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, God?"
"Well...you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman." |
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Caspers Mum
Moderator
 
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 1694
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Sun May 20, 2007 6:45 pm |
Saw this in today's paper, and had to share it's hilarity with all of you. If you have no idea whom Falwell was, Google him, or see the movie The People Vs. Larry Flynt.
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_________________
Former m/up artist, former fan of OLD-school, pre-Lauder M.A.C Anti-M.A.C ! |
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Caspers Mum
Moderator
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 1694
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Tue May 22, 2007 2:53 pm |
| ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! Fantastic! |
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Caspers Mum
Moderator
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 1694
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Thu May 24, 2007 10:42 am |
Dance Like A White Guy
http://www.ifilm.com/video/2667867
I'm pretty good at "The Cracker Squirm". |
_________________
Former m/up artist, former fan of OLD-school, pre-Lauder M.A.C Anti-M.A.C ! |
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Sat May 26, 2007 8:16 am |
| OMG that is hilarious. DH could teach the Caucasian clap. |
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Tue May 29, 2007 6:19 am |
| I just passed by and u guys made me happy |
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Thu May 31, 2007 10:09 am |
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use
them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks
up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies,
"Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool," says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and
asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers:
TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy."Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for the married men: ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc." |
_________________
Location: Denmark. Me = 32, think I'm combo without oiliness + sometimes sensitive. Have noticed that skin doesn't heal as quickly anymore and I've developed fine lines around my eyes... Hormonal breakouts which are sometimes cystic. PCOS |
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Mon Jun 04, 2007 2:18 pm |
Dog Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Stupid people
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe.
For now... |
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Thu Jun 07, 2007 8:59 pm |
NOAH IN 2007
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Canada , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Hydro One demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive , and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to
work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Revenue Canada seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The government beat me to it." |
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Mon Jun 11, 2007 4:15 pm |
| guapagirl wrote: |
Here's my favourite light bulb joke.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish |
Hahahahaha. When I was a kid (and apparently a weird and pretentious kid!) this was my favorite joke, only with a different punchline:
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to hold down the giraffe while the other stacks the bathtub full of brightly colored telephones.
But I like your way better, Guapagirl!
Some more fun for y'all:
Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Juan.
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Q: How many indie music snobs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Psht - I have that joke on vinyl.
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Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"
---
Sadly, none of these are mine, but here's the link I stole them from, with more great jokes, as well as some crappy ones:
http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001035.html |
_________________
32, fair hair/eyes/skin, always a mix of dry/oily/sensitive/acne/clogged pores. But I keep getting compliments on my skin, so something must be working! Beauty blog at http://heliotro.pe; online dating coaching at http://theheartographer.com |
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Sat Jul 14, 2007 10:25 am |
Once upon a time, Little Annie Sunshine was walking home from school when one of the boys from her class named Georgie Carrot-top stopped her and said, "I'll give you two cookies if you climb up that tree."
So Little Annie climbed the tree, climbed back down, Georgie Carrot-top gave her 2 cookies and she went home.
The next day, Little Annie Sunshine was walking home from school and Georgie offered her 2 more cookies to climb the tree. She climbed the tree, climbed back down and ate the cookies on her way home.
On the third day, Georgie once again offered her two cookies to climb the tree. When Little Annie Sunshine got home she asked her mommy why one of the boys from her class would offer her two cookies to climb the tree. Her mommy said, "Oh Annie Sunshine, the only reason those boys want you to climb the tree is so they can see your underwear!"
The next day, Georgie Carrot-top once again offered Little Annie Sunshine two cookies to climb the tree. When she came back down, he offered her two MORE cookies! She went home and told her mommy what happened. Her mommy said "Now Annie, I TOLD you the only reason he wants you to climb the tree is because he wants to see your underwear!"
To which she replied, "Oh I fooled him this time Mommy, I wasn't wearin' any!" |
_________________
44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
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Sun Jul 15, 2007 1:22 am |
Just received this one.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription,
the rest of the cheesecake, the Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
peace. |
_________________
normal to dry skin, slightly sensitive, early 40s |
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Sun Jul 29, 2007 9:18 pm |
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!" |
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Sun Jul 29, 2007 10:08 pm |
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?" |
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Sun Jul 29, 2007 10:14 pm |
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants." |
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 4:54 pm |
Shylass, I love your jokes especially about the quadraplegic who rang the doorbell! Thanks for posting and brightening up the day!
athena |
_________________
44 – combo/oily skin with a tendency towards clogged pores. Thanks to EDS, tweaked my skincare routine and normalized skin… no more breakouts. PSF, silk powder, Janson Beckett, Cellbone, NIA24 are staples. |
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:18 pm |
| Thanks! I didn't think anyone was reading anymore. |
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:20 pm |
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"
The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."
"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?" |
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:22 pm |
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office dressed only with Saran Wrap as his underwear.
The psychiatrist immediately says to the patient; "I can clearly see your nuts". |
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:23 pm |
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke." |
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:25 pm |
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking." |
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