What does it mean to have a break from a relationship?
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free skin care · Tue May 16, 2006 9:39 pm

My bf recently told me that he wants a break from the relationship but when I asked him, does he mean breaking up?...he said no, just a break to calm himself and sort things out. He said he feels that I'm always depressed and unhappy when with him, so he's kinda evaluating the whole relationship. So I just wanna know what can I do within this break?... Do I just wait for him or what?...I'm really sad and depressed cuz of this Sad

To be honest, I'm not like so happy when I'm with him but I'm so extremely down when I'm without him, what should I do? Crying or Very sad

I miss him so much now......

free skin care · Tue May 16, 2006 9:51 pm

That's a tricky one. I'm sorry that you're feeling down. I can relate; I was in a relationship where I wasn't happy with the guy, but thought I'd be even more unhappy without him. I was wrong! Perhaps this relationship is the source of your sadness. But you're afraid you'll be lonely if he's gone? I would suggest taking the time away to evaluate yourself, see if you can make a go of it as a single girl. I guess what I'm trying to say is, find yourself!

Also, if you're not happy when you're with him, it's not fair to either of you to continue the relationship. Being with another person is all about finding joy and love and being happy. Not sad!

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 5:33 am

Wow, I'm sorry for what you're going through--- I know it really sucks. If you want my honest opinion, it sounds like this isn't the most healthy relationship for you. I know it's hard to imagine now because you can only focus on how bad it feels to be "taking a break," but when you do find a guy who makes you happy, you will see what a difference it is. Also, I don't really believe in "taking breaks." To me, it sounds like the guy doesn't really know how he feels about me and wants to see if he misses me when I'm not around. Screw that. Ladies, we are too darn amazing to be told "Let me see if I really need you or not." I stand by my belief that if we are going to be in a relationship, it needs to be with a man who is can recognize what we have to offer and appreciate it. Anything else is just settling...

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 5:37 am

SOrry you're having some problems. I'm not sure how old you are or where you're at in lifes journey, but I have to agree with Violetanne. I think this is an opportunity (a good thing!!) for you to find out what makes you happy--and that excludes external sources such as material wealth or even your boyfriend.

I think every women has had an experience where she was with some guy and saw him through a prism that made him look 10x bigger than he really is. Not to say he's a bad guy, or even good, but your happiness should not depend on another person. If it is, it means they are in control and you are reacting to them, following their highs and lows instead of sorting through your own.

Plus, he says you're always down, but are you? If you are, it's time to address that, for YOU. It could be something chemical, or it could be that you're not doing things in life that give you a sense of meaning and purpose. However, if you're fine with who you are and how you are, then it's unfortunate he feels that way, but you can't change for another person.

I feel I'm rambling at this point, but I just feel that women need to claim their own happiness. AGain, I know this probably really sucks, but if you can both use it to reevaluate where you are individually, it will probably work out the way it is supposed to.

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 9:08 am

Hi Stardustdy - I'm sorry to hear about your break up. I was in a relationship like yours. I was with him for 6 years and than he wanted a break. Didn't know if he wanted to get married, wanted to hang out with his friends and wanted to see how it was to be single. When I was with him I wasn't truly happy. He would always complain that I was like this or that but honestly he was trying to find negative things about me. I was always there for him, supported him in everything and so forth. But I didn't feel the same from him. I thought that my life was over and how could I go on with out him. I was so devastated and depress for weeks thinking what's wrong with me, how come he didn't want to marry me.
Well it's 1 1/2 years now and to say...I'm single (& dating) BUT HAPPY. I realized when I was with him I was always sad and not outgoing. And that is not my personality at all. He was calling me before and wanted to still be friends but I just said I needed a break from him. He got mad and said that's it, we're done. I said I thought we were done long ago. Karma. He said that he regrets what he decided but I said it was for the better because we both weren't happy w/ the relationship and why continue to marriage. I don't regret anything.

Don't continue this relationship if it's not healthy or if your unhappy. Maybe this break will enable you to see what makes you happy. You became comfortable with having him in your life, like me. But in time, you will find yourself and find the strength to keep going. Because the only person that can make you happy is yourself.

Sorry it was long. But I can relate.

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 9:13 am

manslayerliz wrote:

Ladies, we are too darn amazing to be told "Let me see if I really need you or not." I stand by my belief that if we are going to be in a relationship, it needs to be with a man who is can recognize what we have to offer and appreciate it. Anything else is just settling...

You said it, Liz! We all deserve to be happy with and appreciated by the man in our life. Anything else isn't worth the trouble!

Mary Smile

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 10:52 am

Don't let him have this much control over the relationship and over you. I just got out of a years long relationship with who I at one point thought was "the one". I'm still recovering from it and even though the breakup was months ago... only in the last few months did I really accept it. For months I just thought we were on a break. We're not on a break, I dumped his sorry @ss and I needed to stop thinking I could just go back to him. And even though I dumped him it was more like he dumped me because he just stopped caring. I HAD to move out of our apartment and just leave him. He would leave on business trips without even telling me! I agree with ManSlayerLiz, there's no such thing as a break.. that's just mumbojumbo guy talk for wanting to sleep with other people without getting in trouble for it. He thinks he can put you on the back burner and have you whenever he wants if its "just a break". This probably really hurts now but give it a couple months.. watch a lot of Sex and the City (it helped me)... get a couple cats... (I have four, aquired 2 since the breakup, oddly enough the 2 were his)... and the best advice I can give because it worked the best for me is start working out a lot. Get your self in the best shape of you life and you'll feel so good. Not only are you doing something thats going to help with the sadness, get your body in phenomenal shape, but if you ever happen to see him again, he'll be the one who's sorry. Working out is what officially got me over all the issues with the relationship in my head and made me feel stronger than the breakup. Plus now I feel like I can take him down Laughing

I hope everything works out for you... you don't need that relationship.

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 11:42 am

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree to focus on work and making yourself feel good (spoil yourself with a facial, massage or something you've always wanted). It must really hurt no matter how good or bad the relationship was. But whether you get back together or not feeling good about yourself matters.

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 3:11 pm

Stardustdy, all the posters thus far have given you great advice and I hope you'll have the emotional strength to take their wisdom to heart. This too sounds to me like its his cowardly way of ending the relationship, so I'd move forward on that basis. Allow yourself to be disbelieving, sad, angry and finally accepting - these are all normal phases of a breakup. One thing I can guarantee you, is when you come out the other end, you'll feel proud of yourself and liberated + you'll also have grown and learned more about you.
I've been through 2 marriages and several broken relationships until one day the light went on and I stopped being a 'pleaser'. I had spent most of my younger years being what I thought they wanted me to be - then finally I found my own self-worth and now I'm happy to say that if any man can't accept me the way I am, then s***w him Laughing

It'll be tough for you, but you can do it - just keep busy Wink

Anya

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 3:59 pm

There is already some excellent advice here! Anyway, here are my thoughts summed up:

1) In my opinion (and as mentioned here) and please disagree, there is no point with such thing as a "break". You either go for it 100% or you don't. To me, breaks = "I dunno what I feel, maybe there's something better out there, I don't know if I love you or not, but I don't want to take a stand..." Of course everyone get's confused to some point in a relationhip, but I don't think a break is the way to go. Still, when that is the situation, find out why, and what you two really want.

2) You say you are not entirely happy when you're together. Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? Maybe it's good to figure that out for yourself, before you decide if you want to get more involved.

3) You ask "what can I do within this time?"
I would say, If you love him, confront him! Let him know that you are aware that he is evaluating the relationship. Make sure you also let him know that it's all or nothing, and that he has to come up with an answer at some point. (Of course he gets his time to think, but you don't want to wait around forever and let him fool around). Tell him that you love him and that you want to stay together, but only if he decides to go for it 100%. Then, leave him alone for some time.

4) After some time, he should have come to an descision. Talk about what went wrong? do you want to stay together forever? Why did he want a break in the first place? IF you want to get back together, find out what needs to be different from now on. If you decide to break up, take som time to be alone, think it over, be with friends and family etc.

Of course, I don't know your situation, hope it works out! good luck.

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 4:15 pm

Stardustdy, if you ask for my opinion, I would say without doubt:

-I DON'T BELIEVE IN "TAKING A BREAK IN A RELATIONSHIP", BECAUSE A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT A TASK OR A DUTY.

-I DON'T BELIEVE IN "REVALUATING A RELATIONSHIP", BECAUSE A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT A PIECE OF PROPERTY.

People fall in love and fall out of love all the time. And it's always sad after a breakup. You not only just miss him. You miss feeling in love and being in love.

I went through and survived a broken relationship. We loved each other very much but in the end we had to let it go. But before that we went through so many breaks. It broke my heart, but one thing for sure it didn't break my heart forever. I cried a lot. I was very angry. But one day, I decided to put everything behind to go ahead with my life without him.

I believe I will fall in love again !

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 5:26 pm

My boyfriend and I went through this in february. In his case he just wanted some space. We go out once or twice a week now and we don't talk everyday but the committment is still there. For us it's all about taking the time to concentrate on ourselves instead of 'us'. Maybe your guy just needs some space and time to work out some of his own stuff.

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 6:19 pm

Ziggy wrote:

2) You say you are not entirely happy when you're together. Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? Maybe it's good to figure that out for yourself, before you decide if you want to get more involved.

I agree with Ziggy - this can serve as a great opportunity for you to see what you want. I like to think that things happen for a reason, whatever that may be for you.

free skin care · Wed May 17, 2006 6:32 pm

Stardustdy,
You keep talking about how down and depressed you feel, whether he is there or not. Is it possible that you are actually depressed? Someone with depression is really hard to be around and connect with, and it would make sense that he is having doubts, but it isn't your fault. I would talk to a professional and maybe do some online research about depression. If you are depressed, he should be there to support you through it, or if he can't, he's not the right one. Good Luck with this! Depression really sucks, but you can get better with treatment. Just don't let a Dr. put you on meds without therapy as well.

free skin care · Thu May 18, 2006 1:31 am

Thank you everyone for ur advices....I almost cry when I was reading the posts cuz I can't believe that everyone is telling me to let go. To be honest, I know he's not the one cuz our values are different...I don't think he'll be good for a long term relationship...but you can't say that I don't like him cuz I do... It seems that my mood totally depends on him. I'm happy cuz of him and I'm depressed cuz of him too Sad

He came and look for me at work today cuz he happened to pass by but we didn't talk about anything related to us or the break...just about work in general. I really don't know what to think now... I did ask him before when he said he wants a break, does that mean he wants to break up?...and he said no, he just wants some time to cool down and think about stuff...think of what to do next... sigh...I know I should let go but I do need some time....but a part of me still want to be with him again...I'm hopeless Crying or Very sad

free skin care · Thu May 18, 2006 9:44 pm

If you know he's not the right one then it's probably better to break up so that you can find mr. right....why waste your time if you don't think it'll work out?

free skin care · Fri May 19, 2006 7:52 am

I had a long-term relationship once, and «the other» needed breaks from it around my birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas and when I was sick. It was only when he broke it up that I realised that he just wanted to avoid doing something special for me and felt that I wasn't worthy of him. That hurt! I also realised that when we were together, I was most of the time sad and angry because that relationship wasn't «nurturing». Think about it. You may be better off without him.

free skin care · Fri May 19, 2006 8:47 am

stardusty, dont feel hopeless.... Just try not to think about him (I know it is hard). I was in your situation, and I thought my world was just crashing on me. The first couple of months will be hard, but hang in there. I believe good things will happen to good people.

free skin care · Tue May 23, 2006 10:57 pm

Break up with him baby. Don't sit around crying; rather, make him realize the decision he has made. Find someone else. There are so many fish in the sea as they say. Not only that, but flaunt it. To be blunt, a break usually means he isn't interested in you anymore and/or is interested in someone else. DON'T TAKE THAT. Find someone better, or at least better looking so word will get back to him that you're doing fine.

Honestly you are young. This is the time to be happy that you aren't tied to some guy. Live it UP!!!!!!

SourApple

free skin care · Wed May 24, 2006 5:05 am

I know you're having a really hard time. My earlier advice still holds. Start a new activity and do something good for yourself. If you look good and appreciate yourself, you, he and others will look at you positively. It's also the best way to truely evaluate whether you belong together or not.

free skin care · Wed May 24, 2006 6:08 am

You got so excellent advices Stardusty - isn't it just amazing that we're here from all over the world, quite with the same opinion, taking care of somebody who needs it right now ?! I'm so proud of us Ladies!
There are really amazing and truly remarkable posts Stardusty and believe me that almost everybody of us went through something like your story ... And it made us stronger and we found out that we cannot always please somebody, it cannot make out a whole relationship. You're sad and you feel lost - this is normal process, because you were hurt. Pls read all the posts once again, they're damn right. You'll find a nice boy who'll love&appreciate you and you'll see then the huge difference !
lin23

free skin care · Fri May 26, 2006 12:36 pm

Thank you so much veryone!! I'm slowly starting to think rationally....but I do get the occasional depression. Thank you for everyone's advice and support. I really appreciate it ^^

free skin care · Mon May 29, 2006 3:41 am

This is so hard. I've been there myself when I was in my early 20's. After 2 years of seeing my (then) boyfriend he announces that he needs his space/a break from each other/he needed time to focus on his studies etc... I believed very much at the time that he really want "just a break" and I waited around for him for 6 months. I would hold my breath hoping he would call. Every time the phone rang my heart would leap in anticipation etc.. It seems that the only time that he would call was when he had nothing else to do. I was his back up plan for boredom apparently.

Trust me, don't wait for this guy. You feel hopeless now and I do know the feeling. It is so awful you think everytime when you wake up that it's a bad dream until you realize that it isn't. I lost weight, I couldn't sleep, I invested my happiness in this guy.

But there's hope. For some reason out of the blue that utter despair turned to anger. I became angry that a son of a bitch could do that to me! How dare he treat me like I was some throw away commodity with no feelings. I got on with life. I DIDN'T return his phone calls, I refused to speak with him when he showed up at my flat and I told him through an acquantaince that it was over. I wasn't going to sit around "during a break" I was BREAKING UP WITH HIM! You will get over him I promise you this.

I don't hold anger towards him now. It is years later and although I still run into him from time to time there are no feelings there at all. He asked me out for drinks a few months ago (even though he knows that I am engaged!) and I flatly turned him down. The best part is that I didn't even feel any remorse about doing so. This is when you know that you are over someone.

*Big cyber hug*

free skin care · Mon May 29, 2006 12:44 pm

thanks Anna_in_Sweden!....I'm starting to feel better now...i think probably due to the fact that I have to face reality...if it's not meant to be, then it's not

and i also have my frds and family, sometimes being single is not too bad....or who knows, i might come across someone that's even better haha Smile

free skin care · Mon May 29, 2006 2:04 pm

Being single is a lot of fun! I was single (dated a little but nothing serious) for 6 years before I met my fiance. I loved it when I was single because I learned so much about myself. I gained independence, education, a real "do it yourself" attitude and I didn't need someone else to be my better half. I was enough by myself! My relationship now is totally different because I am different. I would not let someone treat me like the former boyfriend did. I warrant a lot more respect than that.

I really am glad to hear that you are doing better. Like I wrote in the last post you WILL feel better in time and it will make you a better, wiser and stronger person for having been through this. You deserve so much more than what he is willing to offer.

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