Why does life seem unfair?
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free skin care · Fri Oct 24, 2008 12:49 am

I just went through a breakup and it just seems to me, life is unfair. At times, it seems like the really awful people out there have things work out for them when they shouldn't.

Take my exe's family for example, they were so horrible to me during most of my relationship with my ex Sad

His mom and dad would not acknowledge me when they saw me, they told my ex I was not welcome at their house.... and about a year ago my ex was having a fight with his family (I was standing on the sidelines, not involved with the whole mess) and all of a sudden his mother starts pushing me and telling me that their family hated me and that I had mental problems, etc. and his sister attacked me, grabbed my hair and started calling me a piece of trash and pretty much every name in the book....also, my exe's father had told him he was glad they were attacking me! I had contemplated charging his sister and mother for assault but my ex said it wasn't worth it and was embarassed at how is family acted so I decided not to.

Anyways, my ex didn't talk to his family for a year because of this, the relationship ended (he ended it, and I suspect partly so he could see his family again because they wouldn't talk to him when he was with me). Now it seems like everything has worked out for them, they're all together again like they want to be, his sister and parents I'm sure are overjoyed that he is not with me anymore. I also found out that when he started talking to them he told them they were right about me!!! Sad

His sister also used some guy to have a child with two years ago and has a cute little daughter which she doesn't let him see and his family sees nothing wrong with that and they seem to pat her on the back for it... they just seem like a close, happy family.

I know I shouldn't but I look at their profiles on Facebook and they all look so happy with their lives and it seems like they have everything going for them, why, I don't think they deserve it, they are not very good human beings, unkind, cruel, they talk behing peoples back, etc. Now in my mind I wish I could have some type of revenge, I wish I could go up to his sister and punch her in the face or something because honestly thats what I feel like doing of course I won't, I should have gone through charging her when that whole mess happened but of course the only other person who saw her do it was her mom and of course she would have lied in court and told them it never happened as well as she attacked me as well by pushing me.

Through all this I feel like everything has fallen apart for me, I am alone and they are all happy together, I feel pretty low and depressed often and they're all smiling and happy in their pictures. Does anyone have any insight or advice for me?

I'm sorry this is so long and it seems like a whole mess of a story, I really needed to get this out and ask for advice as I have no one else to ask....I feel like I am a freak as in I am the only person this has happened to, I feel like I had an okay relationship with this guy and his family messed it up... Thanks ladies/and guys..!

free skin care · Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:04 am

Wow. I am so sorry you went through this. Yes. Life IS unfair. No doubt about that at all. People can be mean and selfish, but that does not mean you have to be. I get the feeling you are a kind person and just did not fit into their world. I understand your need for revenge, but don't lose yourself in the process. It might sound cliche, but the best revenge is to be truly happy. I know that sound nearly impossible right now, but maybe once the hurt lessens a bit it can happen for you. It may help you to do things such as volunteering, getting/giving lots of hugs, taking care of a pet, surrounding yourself with beautiful things etc. These will all remind you that you are important and that you are worthy of love. And you are worthy of love, and you will have it again. Start with you.
*hugs*
Again, I am so sorry you had to go through this.

free skin care · Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:24 am

Well it sounds like a very unhealthy family to me despite the way you're viewing them. I'm sure they do appear to be happy, but it's likely a dysfunctional kind of happy that would be miserable for many other people. The parents sound very manipulative and controlling of their children. They won't speak to their child if they don't like who he is dating. How many of us would be happy with that kind of family? I really don't think that's a happy family, deep down.

I think the best thing for you to do is try to stop worrying about what they think. Try to go out and do something that's been fun for you in the past. Even if you think you'll hate it, force yourself to go out and do something and you'll likely be glad that you did. Try to find a hobby or like the poster prior to mentioned, find a place to volunteer. Sometimes helping people who are less fortunate than you is a big reality check that will make you truly thankful for everything that you do have, even if you are hurting.

I think it takes a long time to get over someone, so don't think you will always feel this way. The day will come when you look back and think "Good thing I'm rid of him. Anyone who can't stand up to his family to support me isn't good enough for ME."

free skin care · Fri Oct 24, 2008 9:11 am

I’d rather have pins stuck in my eyes than spend 5 minutes in the company of the “close” family you’ve described. Perhaps the reason they are so “close” is no-one else will come within a mile of them?

Count your blessings that you’re rid of them!

Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:05 pm

Wow... I'm sure all of this hurts... but it seems quite lucky that they are no longer in your lives... Imagine if you were actually related... Imagine how unfair it is to have parents that think they can totally control your life... and use violence and hatred against you... Your ex returned to an abusive situation... and you are lucky to be escaping it.

Wishing you the best with a healing heart...

free skin care · Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:05 pm

I am sorry you had to go through that.

You know, if your ex was a reasonable person he'd know that what his family did to you was unacceptable and he would have stood up for you. If his family did not apologize to you, that's even more unacceptable; and if he truly loved you he would have stuck with you because throughout all this mess you were the one who stayed by his side and tolerated them for your ex's sake.

The fact that he chose his family over you just proves that he was not ready for you yet. You're still a great woman, but it seems like he had his own personal issues to work out and you were just in the middle of all this mess.

If he was seriously involved with you, and if he was a good man, he would have put you before his family (especially in this case because they were the ones who started the whole thing).

You shouldn't worry about them being happy or not. Would it make you happier to see them suffer? He broke off all ties with you, you should do the same and move on. Find someone who can make you happy, someone who can make you feel like you are important and loved every single day.

I do not believe that life is unfair for some people, I believe everything happens for a reason. I'd just take as much as I can out of this lesson and apply it to the next man I meet.

I believe there are always red flags in every relationship. Always when there were problems in my own relationships and somehow it ended, i would always look back at it and I would come up with some obvious red flags that indicated that they weren't the type of men I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Everyone has flaws, but certain red flags you just can't ignore because they literally determine whether you will be happy together or not.

Try to focus on yourself and your own happiness now. Karma has its own way of working. You may not necessarily see the bad things coming their way. Karma comes back in different shapes and forms. It could strike years from now. Trust me, people who hurt others do not ever get away with things Wink

,

Good luck love

free skin care · Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:52 am

Thanks for the advice ladies. I just feel like life remained in tact for him and his family and that I have to start over again which depresses me and seems unfair. I see pictures of him going out with his friends and to shows, etc. and I sit here here depressed and not feeling like doing anything, saying that, I have no one to do anything with because his friends don't talk to me anymore... and he is living with his parents now and I had to move to a remote area because that's where my parents live as my ex asked me to leave our apartment because he said he didn't want me there (he ended up leaving and moving in with his parents after) and I have trouble getting around here because the bus system is horrible and he has a car and is able to get around easily. I seem to always compare myself to him and his family.

free skin care · Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:21 am

Hey AM... I won't go into details as it would take a very long time, but I'm basically in the same situation as you are... but I've been through it several times... I'm 34 and ready to be happy for the first time in my life... I always give, give, give and I certainly won't stop, because that's who I am.. .but finally I've learned that happiness does NOT come from others.. it comes from inside... it's hard sometimes to get up and CHOOSE to be happy.. but that's what I'm doing... on an hour to hour basis if that's what it takes... this world is so full of wonders and experiences that we miss while moping around feeling sorry for ourselves... get up, put a smile on your face, and get ready for your next adventure... life is a mystery that slowly unfolds and if we are not watching we miss the beautiful tapestry that is being revealed to our eyes... those people are not in your life right now for a reason... something much better is coming along if you only accept it...

oh and by the way, facebook, myspace, etc... is so deceiving... you don't know what is going on in these peoples minds and hearts... they could be a hundred times more miserable than you. (And I'd bet a pretty penny that they are.)

free skin care · Sat Oct 25, 2008 2:01 pm

anomaly wrote:

Hey AM... I won't go into details as it would take a very long time, but I'm basically in the same situation as you are... but I've been through it several times... I'm 34 and ready to be happy for the first time in my life... I always give, give, give and I certainly won't stop, because that's who I am.. .but finally I've learned that happiness does NOT come from others.. it comes from inside... it's hard sometimes to get up and CHOOSE to be happy.. but that's what I'm doing... on an hour to hour basis if that's what it takes... this world is so full of wonders and experiences that we miss while moping around feeling sorry for ourselves... get up, put a smile on your face, and get ready for your next adventure... life is a mystery that slowly unfolds and if we are not watching we miss the beautiful tapestry that is being revealed to our eyes... those people are not in your life right now for a reason... something much better is coming along if you only accept it...

oh and by the way, facebook, myspace, etc... is so deceiving... you don't know what is going on in these peoples minds and hearts... they could be a hundred times more miserable than you. (And I'd bet a pretty penny that they are.)

I agree with everything you just said

free skin care · Sun Oct 26, 2008 1:33 pm

Wow! You guys are awesome! All excellent advice and beautiful love for AMIntheMorning!!! {{{{HUGS}}}}}

AM honey, you know if you compare yourself to others you will be deceived. Let all that go. It's over. Make it real by knowing what will make YOU happy. If you have a strong core of happiness, more happiness will come your way.

Bear with me, AM, I'm going to be serious a bit: At the heart of all religion and philosophy is the question of suffering. It is inevitable and inescapable. Eastern philosophy says, "It is an illusion". Christianity says, "Stand firm, prevail, and abide in the Lord". (This is just my simplistic version.) I can tell you that the joy is in the journey....take this time you have alone to explore what life says about your condition. Go deeply within to find what you really need. Study what will make you whole. When the time comes for you to be in a relationship again, it will be with sheer joy, not neediness.

If plastic surgery will make you feel better about yourself, by all means go for it, but realize it will not change WHO you are. If a new workout routine will lift your spirits, DO it! If joining a new group (books, prayer, knitting, cooking, whatever) sounds good, do it! Use your free time to expand yourself. Love yourself too - it's all you really have anyway. {{hug}}

free skin care · Sun Oct 26, 2008 5:51 pm

Sounds like a really infortunate situation... Sad

But as others have noted, and I know you know it too, that family is not healthy. So maybe it's better that you got out of this situation sooner rather than later. (But it's still not fair Sad

)

free skin care · Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:27 pm

Life is too short for drama + petty things.. I hope you can just get over it, and put it all behind you.. You're well rid of him and his excess baggage... Rolling Eyes

Tomorrow (AMintheMorning!!) is a brand new day, and the first day of the rest of your life... I know it's a cliche', but it's true none the less.

Wishing you a fresh start filled with abundant happiness... Very Happy

free skin care · Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:11 pm

Good advice Kassy! I was just wondering where ya were!!!

free skin care · Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:33 pm

There will come a day when you look back and wonder why the heck you wasted your time with such a loser.
If you can focus on what YOU want,it will happen. Very Happy

You're the winner in this whole thing.

hugs

free skin care · Sun Oct 26, 2008 8:36 pm

I'm so sorry. You know though, those people you described don't sound happy to me at all. I mean, look at what you said:

AMIntheMorning wrote:

they just seem like a close, happy family.

I know I shouldn't but I look at their profiles on Facebook and they all look so happy with their lives and it seems like they have everything going for them, why, I don't think they deserve it, they are not very good human beings, unkind, cruel, they talk behing peoples back, etc.

To me, a happy person, a truly happy person, is one that is kind and helpful and easygoing. Happy people love being kind and humorous because they love sharing their happiness. It comes as easily to them as breathing.

People who are cruel and unkind cannot be happy; these are all symptoms like an illness. They show that any happiness they have is superficial and ultimately a lie. That kind of happiness is an ugly mask worn to cover up flaws and to help ease people into denial.
Remember too that this happiness - this fake, mask-like happiness - is often put on as a show to give a person or a family status and power over someone else. "Look at how happy and close we are! Aren't we great? Don't you just suck?" And then they exclude you from their club to make themselves feel superior and "closer." It's like the popular kids at school and how they bully everyone else.

That kind of closeness and happiness is fake. It's all role play to keep the family together, otherwise they'd have to see each other as they really were. Then they'd just be miserable.

They've conned themselves into thinking they're happy, but don't let them con you too! Don't let yourself bare the burden of their misery.

Have the last laugh. After all, YOU can walk away. They can't. They're stuck with each other but you can leave. YOU can be happy. You have realised that, not only (thank god) are you not like them, but you're actually the opposite of them. You've realised you can see through this sham and that there's something really valuable in kindness and loyalty and being open.

The best revenge is to leave them to it. Walk away laughing and don't put up with such BS in your life.

free skin care · Sun Oct 26, 2008 8:37 pm

anomaly wrote:

Hey AM... I won't go into details as it would take a very long time, but I'm basically in the same situation as you are... but I've been through it several times... I'm 34 and ready to be happy for the first time in my life... I always give, give, give and I certainly won't stop, because that's who I am.. .but finally I've learned that happiness does NOT come from others.. it comes from inside... it's hard sometimes to get up and CHOOSE to be happy.. but that's what I'm doing... on an hour to hour basis if that's what it takes... this world is so full of wonders and experiences that we miss while moping around feeling sorry for ourselves... get up, put a smile on your face, and get ready for your next adventure... life is a mystery that slowly unfolds and if we are not watching we miss the beautiful tapestry that is being revealed to our eyes... those people are not in your life right now for a reason... something much better is coming along if you only accept it...

oh and by the way, facebook, myspace, etc... is so deceiving... you don't know what is going on in these peoples minds and hearts... they could be a hundred times more miserable than you. (And I'd bet a pretty penny that they are.)

I third this.

free skin care · Tue Oct 28, 2008 2:47 am

Thank-you all for your kind words and uplifting advice, I REALLY need to read what is said in this thread...

...his family grew to dislike me because my ex partner would run to them and complain to them whenever we had problems and had informed my family that him and his dad were best friends and that he told him everything which my family thought was nuts...I'm sure though, if he had not done that they would have still found many things wrong with me. I wasn't perfect in the relationship and made a lot of mistakes and didn't treat my ex very well at all times so I have an immense amount of guilt on my shoulders as well and I feel a lot that his family is right about me and I'm the one that is a loser and trash... it's really hard to get over these feelings and I agree every day is a new day but it's so hard when I constantly thinking oh him and his family and feeling the guilt and sadness.

free skin care · Tue Oct 28, 2008 2:01 pm

AMIntheMorning wrote:

I wasn't perfect in the relationship and made a lot of mistakes and didn't treat my ex very well at all times so I have an immense amount of guilt on my shoulders as well and I feel a lot that his family is right about me and I'm the one that is a loser and trash... it's really hard to get over these feelings and I agree every day is a new day but it's so hard when I constantly thinking oh him and his family and feeling the guilt and sadness.

Nobody's perfect Hon. I know that there have been things in my life I have done, or failed to do, that I wish I could have a do over about.. But since we don't have that luxury, the best we can hope for is to have learned a lesson from what was our mistake, and grow and learn from it.

I really hope you can come to terms with whatever is causing your guilt, forgive yourself, and then try to put it all behind you, filed in the *lessons learned* section of your memory...

BIG hugs, and good thoughts comin atcha..

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