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Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:15 pm  |
Hi, everyone.
Got this email from a friend last week & I couldn't help but think of the ladies on this board & what we go through in the name of "vain pain."
Hope you like it as much as I did!
WAX is not your friend!
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherev er else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious..Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive p art of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothi ng feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my ow n leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now thats funny . Notttttttttt Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:20 pm |
Ok reading this whilst hubby was asleep was not a good idea.. almost peed myself trying to hold in my mirth.  |
_________________
SKIN: combination, reactive to climate changes and extremely fair. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:31 pm |
| That's hilarious! I was reading this at work, wiping the tears from my eyes and trying to make sure no one else noticed! |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:34 pm |
| That is the funniest email I've read in awhile. I instantly emailed all the girls I know. |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 3:09 pm |
| LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The sad part is, I can relate ... that's why I started using water-soluable wax, LOL!!! |
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27, sensitive/reactive/acne prone skin, dark brown hair, blue eyes, possibly the palest woman alive... |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 3:16 pm |
That's why I would never wax. I prefer sugaring.  It's water soluble. |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 5:13 pm |
Oh My Goodness, that's so funny! Sadly, I can totally relate. I had a similar experience my first time using a wax that was not water soluble.
I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I had this wax stuck to me Everywhere, including my *Hoo-Hoo*! Everything was sticking together. After trying all kinds of things to remove it, I climbed in the shower hoping to get it off. No luck.
I had to wait like a wet dog in the shower for my SO to go to the beauty supply and retrieve the wax remover lotion and give the SA, who sold me on buying this particular wax, hell for not informing me that I would need a wax remover. What a Nightmare experience. Needless to say I'm never without my Wax Off. |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 7:05 pm |
Thanks, I needed a good laugh after the day I've had! |
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Wed Jul 19, 2006 8:49 pm |
That is too funny! I cringe when I have a professional do it...never mind myself.  |
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Thu Jul 20, 2006 3:46 am |
| That gave me a chuckle, thanks. I've never tried home waxing down there. I was actually contemplating it, but now I'm not!! |
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27. dark olive. prone to congestion. loving ISC and emu oil |
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Fri Jul 21, 2006 2:30 am |
It brought me to tears and even DH was rolling around the floor laughing after I showed it to him.   |
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Skin: Over 60, ex combination now sensitive, Cellcosmet |
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