OMG!!!!!!
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free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:09 pm

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! My brother has just impregnated this skanky girl he's only been dating a month and a half!! He's the type that will marry her because it's the "honorable" thing. She has known him casually for 11 years and says she has always had a crush on him. He has never noticed her until recently. They start dating, and she's immediately pregnant?????? She knows he'll probably marry her because of it??????? Anyone who knows my bro knows this!! She already has a kid, and this kid is calling my bro "Daddy." AFTER A MONTH AND A HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why would you do that to your child?? My bro always dates women with children, and they have, up to this point, always called him Uncle Nate. NOT DADDY!!!

And here's what really gripes my ass: I found out on freaking MySpace. She had, and still has, it posted all over her bulletins, but we (family) had not been told yet!! My bro was out of town and was going to tell the family yesterday. Meanwhile, my sis went to MySpace and saw it. She called me crying. That is so incredibly inconsiderate of the GF. There are some things you tell family before you post all over the internet.

I've called my bro, but he won't answer because he knows he's going to get an ear full. In my best big sister voice, I told him to call me asap when he was alone. I don't know what I'm going to say to him, though. He's already told my other sis that he will marry her because of it. He's happy to be having a child because he loves kids. I cannot let my brother marry someone he's only been dating a month and half. What do I say??? He is usually very level-headed and logical, and I can always tell him exactly what I think, whether he likes it or not. Do I just sit him down and say, "Look, you have to wait a while before you marry this girl because I think she's trying to trap you. She's been after you for all this time, and finally she has a chance to get you. I feel like you can be a good and responsible father to this kid without marrying her, and it's my big sister advice that you should take responsibility for the child but not marry the mother at this point"?? Do I just say that? He listens to what I say and really considers it, but I don't want to make him feel defensive about her because he really will marry her then. What do I do???? He cannot possibly be in love with her at this point!!!

He was at my house a few months ago and was kind of bummed out because he's really ready to settle down and have a family. That's lovely. I told him he would eventually find someone, if that was what he wanted. I'm afraid that he is letting his emotions about the baby and his desire to be in love override common sense. I do realize that it takes two people to make a baby, and I also realize that sometimes accidents happen. There's something about this girl I really don't trust, though. DH agrees with me, and so does sis. Oh, my God, what do I do?

I'm the big sister of five, so I'm always the one they all look to to solve problems, whether they be financial, emotional, or whatever. They call me and say "Will you call (insert name here) and talk to him/her about (problem, dispute, etc). I need to rescue my bro, and I don't know how to fix this. I am going to kill him.

If you've made it all the way to this, I'm sorry. Poor you. I just needed to vent. I don't expect solutions. I was awake all night last night worrying about it. Good news is, my eyes aren't puffy. Sometimes we have to search for the positive things...

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:14 pm

Yikes!

I don't think your bro should marry her either. He should take responsibility but he shouldn't rush into marriage.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:20 pm

Yeah, I want him to take responsibility for the baby, and he will. There's no doubt about that. I just don't want him to rush into marriage and end up unhappy. SIGH... Thanks for agreeing.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:26 pm

That's a tough one. And what if the kid isn't even his, you know? Hopefully he will listen to reason and hold off marrying her for now. Try to tell him that he should handle the baby thing first and then think about marriage down the road if that's what they still want. It's crazy to rush into something and if it's meant to be with this girl, then they still CAN get married later once they've learned to handle this first big issue. Good luck!

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:34 pm

Thank you. I'm a wreck.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:42 pm

Tosca,
Im sorry to hear that you are going through such a bad time. Hopefully some first hand experiece that I have with this situation will help you.

I became pregnat with an "accident"(with whom I love more than anything in the world

)after only being with my husband(then new BF)for only 4 months. Needless to say our families were a shocked, especially sence I was 23 and he was 31. Shock

We got married when I was 7 months along, yes we fight b/c we didnt have time to work out our own kinks before adding a baby to the mix, but I do love him, in fact I did the monemt I laid eyes on him.( Rolling Eyes

) But, its worth it. I admit it was fast, I guess sometimes these things just happen.

Having said that, I know those women(and men)who cannot or will not be alone, and will latch on to someone to use as a crutch. They are human parasites, toxic if you will. There really isnt much you can do if this girl is like that. He is probably really scared and confused right now. My advice would be, dont freak out on your brother no matter how much you want to. This will not only cause him to pull away from confiding in you, it will more than likely also cause them to take on a "us against them" united front. This is the perfect senario for her to get her claws in him mentally, emotionally and possibly financially. You should be open for him to talk to and not push a topic. If they do get married and things are rocky, perhaps you could suggest marriage consoling, its help my marrige greatly. You never know she could create a situation for him to see her exactly as she is, if so then I think the problem will remedy its self.

Hope that everything works out for the best.
Smile

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:54 pm

Thank you, Vonstella. That's really helpful. I do know that accidents happen, and I hope that that's the case here. I really only want my brother to be happy. Every instinct I have is screaming against this though.

I will try very hard to be a good big sis and take care of him. If I can't prevent it. I will be around for damage control. Crying or Very sad

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:07 pm

Tosca wrote:

I need to rescue my bro, and I don't know how to fix this. I am going to kill him.

Perhaps I missed it, but how old is your brother? I'm assuming he's an adult, and in that case, though you feel responsible for him, you don't have to fix anything! You didn't knock anyone up! I think all you can really do is tell him your disappointed in the choices he's made that led to this situation. To interfere, tell him to ditch the chick, will just make him obstinate because people will do what you don't want them to do because people don't like to be controlled. Be supportive and listen, but it sounds to me like too many fingers in the pie (is that a real saying, or did I just make that up? Confused

) will cause more drama.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:10 pm

What I also meant to say and forgot to is, you are totally intitled to feel the way you do. It was unthoughtful and rude for her to post such life changing news on myspace. I agree that action most likely speaks sounds about what type of person she is.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:14 pm

He's an adult, but he's only 25. Yeah, I understand what you're saying, and I don't want to upset him. It's not necessarily my responsibility to try to steer him in the right direction, but he's my little brother. I'm always bailing my sisters out of things. This is the first really dumb thing he's ever done. I feel a parental responsibility for my sibs because I'm a good bit older than them. My dad died when they were young, and my mom is a horrible parent. If I don't take care of them, no one will.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:28 pm

I really felt that the MySpace posting was inappropriate too. I just feel like you tell family about death, upcoming birth, divorce, or marriage before you post it on MySpace. To me, that shows a lack of respect for the family. He has four sisters, and two of them are frequent MySpacers. She knows that because she found them on there.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:31 pm

Tosca wrote:

I really felt that the MySpace posting was inappropriate too. I just feel like you tell family about death, upcoming birth, divorce, or marriage before you post it on MySpace. To me, that shows a lack of respect for the family. He has four sisters, and two of them are frequent MySpacers. She knows that because she found them on there.

Kinda the whole reason I have a love/hate relationship with Myspace. Its great for staying connected with friends but people do such stupid things on it. Mad

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:36 pm

I agree! It's like they log on and leave their minds behind. I have an account, but only go on about once every couple of months when my sis asks me to.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:37 pm

Dear Tosca - The baby is on its way -- there's no changing that fact. Whether your brother marries this woman or not, he will have some sort of relationship with her for a very long time since you say he intends to support the child one way or another.

Your shock is understandable, and it certainly seems to be a tacky means of discovery. Your instincts are likely true, but what to do? Yes, accidents happen, but yes, it could also be that this woman is manipulative. However, the fact that they've known each other for 11 years and she's been infatuated with him all the while could end up being in their favor -- she may truly love him and will hopefully work hard to make the marriage a happy one if they wed. It could be worse -- be thankful this woman isn't someone out of the blue.

Your brother has to make the decision himself, and if he feels his siblings are ganging up on him, he may recoil and it could cause serious damage to your relationship with him for the rest of your lives. If he marries, it won't help matters if the woman senses you suspect and resent her motives. Be careful what you say and do, for you risk being shut out of their lives forever by acting impulsively.

Please try to keep a cool head. You obviously love and care for your brother very much. Make sure he knows this, and consider telling him you'll support him and be there for him no matter what choice he makes. Sometimes reverse psychology works Wink

, and if you remain fairly neutral, it may allow him to choose wisely -- after all, he knows her better than you do.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:48 pm

Wow, what a situation to be placed in! I think you should say exactly what you posted:

"Look, you have to wait a while before you marry this girl because I feel like you can be a good and responsible father to this kid without marrying her, and it's my big sister advice that you should take responsibility for the child but not marry the mother at this point(because you have only been together for such a short period of time where you may not know eachother to such an extent which would allow you to marry eachother)"

What you shouldn't add to this would be:

-"you cannot possibly be in love with her at this point!!! "
-" I think she's trying to trap you. She's been after you for all this time, and finally she has a chance to get you. "

(those statements could turn your brother into defense mode).

Just some pointers. I think I may post my issues that I'm having with my brother as well some time soon since you seem to be getting such great advice from EDS members!

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:54 pm

You're right, m. april. I do have to approach this carefully. I don't want to alienate him or my new niece/nephew. She is obviously going to be connected to our family for a long time, and my brother is not one to let anyone else tell him what to do, although he will listen to well-thought-out advice. I don't think I am going to jump his a**. He will need some support, so I will take everyone's advice and not attack so much as advise in a general sort of way. I think my sisters will let me do all the talking, so hopefully, there won't be a ganging up. I guess it could work out well. It's certainly not beyond the realm of possibility, but my initial impressions of her have been bad. Honestly, if it had been any of his previous girlfriends, I don't think I would be this upset. They obviously didn't work out, though.

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:58 pm

Wow! I'm getting responses faster than I can post my own. Thanks, girldelvov. Also very good advice. I'm going to have to write this all down to get ready to talk to him. Maybe you should post your brother problems too!

Thank you to all of you!!!

free skin care · Mon Sep 04, 2006 10:49 pm

Tosca wrote:

Maybe you should post your brother problems too!

Tosca, if you feel as if I'm hijacking(sp?) your thread, let me know and I'll quickly post a separate post in the lounge. I just wasn't sure if I should post this in your thread or not... Please let me know!

My situation seems a bit simpler and much smaller. My brother is actually older than me (7 years to be exact). However, with all the choices he's made in life, I feel like we've switched places and I'm the level- headed older sister, and he the stupid/unethical younger brother.

To know him a bit better, let’s review a few things.

- my family and I moved to the U.S. 13 years ago. At that point, my brother helped support the family. After a year or two (he was still in H.S.) my parents said thank you for the help, now it’s your turn to educate yourself, we can support you and your sister. (He never got this reasoning. He still somehow thinks that my mother and father need his money to live which is way off considering that they are trying to pay off his loans).
- together with same girl for seven years. He proposed....They moved in together (he was never home at night doing god knows what) they split up two years ago ( a day after my graduation (some present, huh.)). Now, I don't know if he is even with a girl.
- moved back home. Tried to bring some other girl here soon after ( WTH I told him (asked if this was the one to split it up, got the brush off)).
- drinking drinking drinking
1) I've gotten up in the middle of the night to answer his calls to come get him from being totally wasted...he’s 26 by the way.
2) I've had to go get his car in diff. places in the middle of the night because he was now drunk and couldn't get it (instant DUI).
- the job he has is a new business. He is now that families' bell boy' or so it seems (drives the kids to appointments/ school, lets people borrow his car and get photo enforced speeding tickets on it which get sent to the home address, has debts on a few different cards because this 'new job' isn't nearly paying him enough to get by month to month, etc.).
-lets everyone walk all over him and says that he will get something back in return (this has never paid off).
-ETC.

He has been 'friends' with this guy who has constantly led him to disappointment since high school. He takes advantage of him by having my brother do his HW for COLLEGE COURSES that he doesn't know how to do himself (and of course my brother gives in to say he'll do it because he thinks he'll get something in return), he leads him to drink, drink, drink, and he uses him for all he’s got and even what he doesn't (he once 'suggested' that my brother should switch cars with him (a 2002 Nissan maxima for a 1998 Nissan sentra....HELLO?!) so he could save on gas)).

This kid was in a few of my classes when I was finishing my AA in community college before I transferred into a university. He always seemed to try and keep my brother in check by suggesting that we all need him to get by in classes and in life (stupid brother believes him of course).

So two days ago I get a call from my brother asking who I had for Calculus in community college. I tell him the professors name, and my brother in return is like, "I need those answers." I know now, why he's asking me and I say, " he's not worth it! Let him do his own work! If he doesn't know something he needs to learn it instead of just passing it on to someone to do it for him. He isn't your friend, Alex! He's used you for so many years now, and your still doing his sh!t for him. All of his college courses are being completed by you, when you should be finishing your own education." I asked him what if I don't have the answers...and he tells me, "then I'll have to do all the tests." How can anyone think this way???

What should I do? give him the answers or have him do all 13 tests. I want to tell the college somehow. I'm thinking maybe an anonymous(sp?) letter???

This is just the tip of the iceberg in my life regarding my brother. Does anyone have ANY advice with/ about ANYTHING?

free skin care · Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:13 am

Girldelvov, Welcome to my thread! Your brother's situation is pretty bad. To me, it sounds to me like he has a self-confidence problem and possibly a depression problem as well. Depression may explain the lack of initiative and the alcholism and may possibly explain his need to be needed by others. I think that you have to be careful what you say about his friend because you, like me, run the risk of alienating him.

Maybe you could get some info by asking for his advice on situations that are similar to what he may be going through. I think he'd be very pleased that you needed him, and you could possibly get him to relate to what you're saying and tell you what's bothering him and how he's handling it. That's a little underhanded, but it's for his benefit, so I don't think it would be wrong. I know you said his "friend" was always bad news, but did he have this type of hold on your brother before his breakup with the girl? Also, does your brother have a hard time making friends.

I would definitely not give your brother the test answers. Since you're still at the university, I think this could reflect badly on you if he was caught. This "friend" sounds like the type that would be quick to say he got the answers from you, and then you'd be suspected of cheating while you were attending the JC. About turning him in, it's hard call to make. If he gets kicked out of school, is your brother going to feel like it's his fault and feel obligated to support this guy?

I dunno, girldelvov. I think your situation is worse than mine. My bro's usually pretty together. I think you're dealing with some emotional problems that need professional help. Have you talked to your parents about it? What's their take on it?

free skin care · Tue Sep 05, 2006 8:16 am

girldelvov:

I know this will be very difficult to hear but it sounds as though you are enabling your brother which prevents him from suffering the consequences for his own actions. It's probably the most difficult thing to do but in the long run it's the best gift you can give. I know how painful it is to sit back and watch someone you love get hurt/used time and time again, but these are all life lessons that each and everyone of us must experience on our own. Just be waiting on the sidelines to offer emotional support - but he's the one who must pick himself back up.

free skin care · Tue Sep 05, 2006 9:08 am

Tosca, my brother met this guy when we moved to this state from California and my brother finished off his high school classes here. He had a strong hold on him when we moved here (my brother used to be an A student, he then started ditching school dropping his grades to D's and F's). Somewhere in the middle, he met the girl he was engaged to in that school. From there, he seemed to be letting go of the guy and the girl was helping him study all she could to help him get through school. Because of her, his GPA went up 1 point in less than one semester which he was recognized by the school for doing. He was going to classes and actually doing really well. She really helped him by setting sights close to him as to what his efforts could easily lead to, and he believed it. Throughout their relationship (7 years) and his friendships with other people, he kept away from the guy. I don't think he relized he was bad news, but the girl did and so did all of his friends. They knew that the 'friend' was just looking for someone to latch onto, and my brother was the easy target. My brother believe's that you need to keep your friends close and your enemies closer (I've told him from personal experience, that this is just not true). So my brother would keep a 'nicey nicey' relationship with the guy which formed a sort of tie between them. When my brother and the girl moved in together, the girl did not allow this guy to come into their home. ( this guy tried time and time again to tell my brother oh you can do better and he tried to break up their relatinship throughout the 7 years).

A little side not to that...
When my brother was with the girl, she told him, "you know, drinking is never going to solve any problems. Of course it's ok to have a casual drink here and there, but trying to drown your sorrows or forget about problems through liquor is just not the way to fix anything." So with that, he didn't drink much! He had fun with the girl by going out with friends and seeing movies and working a job (which was one that also didn't pay him on time, or nearly enough for what he did). She also tried to help him lessen his debt amount, which she was succesful at showing him that money spent on liquor and things like that can easily pay off a laon in a very short period of time. But after their breakup, he drank so so much it was unbelievable. Even now, 1 1/2 years later, he's gotten into that lifestyle again.

Amazingly enough, my brother is very personable! He makes friends very easily but it seems that he decides to keep the 'bad apples'. He keeps making friends with the sorts of people who don't have a hold on anything. If you put him in a room of strangers, he would know them all and have shared an experience with everyone by the time the night is over. Most of his old friends have gotten married, moved out of state, or just moved along.

The class is actually an online class and at Community College. The teacher is so lenient that you don't have to send in the answers until a week before semester ends. So as you can see, he wouldn't be caught, which basically sort of sucks!

"About turning him in, it's hard call to make. If he gets kicked out of school, is your brother going to feel like it's his fault and feel obligated to support this guy?"

Good question. However, I have no idea. The thing is, my brother doesn't have anything to support him with. He's up to god knows where with loans, the job he's at isn't paying, and he will still pull out his credit card to pay for everyone even when he knows he's got so many loans to pay. Also, I'm trying to figure out what I would tell the Community College and how.

My mother and father are completly dumbfounded with what to do. They tried to just talk to him but it all seems to go into one ear and out the other. My mom feels so horrible that her son is going through something like this and she can't help him in any way (financially as well). My dad seems to just kind of push him on. He doesn't seem to tell my brother that he's doing something wrong, instead, he'll just joke about it. I've confronted my dad so many times about this and told him that he can't make decisions for him. My brother needs to make them himself. My father being so stubborn just would say,'you don't know what your talking about. The girl was to complicated for him anyways, he needs something simpler, ETC.' One thing we all do agree on is that the 'friend' isn't really his friend at all and that my brother is just being used.

What else am I missing.......

free skin care · Tue Sep 05, 2006 9:16 am

Penelope, my brother is 26. Through out his short life, he's seemed to have gone through so much. I see what your saying, and I totally agree that he needs to suffer the cosequences. But with all that he DOESN'T have, he wouldn't be suffering more than he is now. Also, I don't believe that he would see anything as consequences to his actions. He would be so used to the 'consequences' that it would be just like every day life for him.

Yes, it is painful to just sit back and watch. And I've been doing this with him my entire life. By doing so, I don't see in any way how this has helped him AT ALL.

"- but he's the one who must pick himself back up."

I agree. However, I really don't think that he can pick himself back up again or at all...

free skin care · Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:04 am

violetanne wrote:

Tosca wrote:

I need to rescue my bro, and I don't know how to fix this. I am going to kill him.

Perhaps I missed it, but how old is your brother? I'm assuming he's an adult, and in that case, though you feel responsible for him, you don't have to fix anything! You didn't knock anyone up! I think all you can really do is tell him your disappointed in the choices he's made that led to this situation. To interfere, tell him to ditch the chick, will just make him obstinate because people will do what you don't want them to do because people don't like to be controlled. Be supportive and listen, but it sounds to me like too many fingers in the pie (is that a real saying, or did I just make that up? Confused

) will cause more drama.

Yep, I broadly agree with this. It may be worth sticking your oar in and suggesting he use some form of birth control next time though. It does after all take two to make a baby, no matter how skanky the girl.

free skin care · Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:14 pm

Girldelvov,it sounds like all of your brother's problems stem from this one relationship. It also sounds like he lost a great girl. The way you describe his personality actually reminds me a lot of my DH. - Never meets a stranger, can find common ground with anyone, feels empathy for everyone. Like your brother, my DH is easily used by others, although your brother seems to have it worse. A lot of times, these types of people are magnets for hard-luck cases. I've heard this type of people referred to as empaths, and I've read up on it a little. A lot of it seems to be hocus-pocus, but some of it was pretty interesting. I don't know what to tell you to do to help him, though. Does he realize that this guy is using him? Does he feel sorry for the guy?

Based on the success he had when with the girl, it seems like her approach was a good one. Was she forceful, kind and logical, or what? Maybe that's the approach to use?? You could convince your parents to change their approach, maybe they could help him. Snce he's living in their house, I think they would be well within their rights to tell him that this guy is not welcome and that if he's to remain in their home, he'll have to go back to school and straighten his life out. I don't know. It's a mess.

free skin care · Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:18 pm

Tosca wrote:

He's an adult, but he's only 25. Yeah, I understand what you're saying, and I don't want to upset him. It's not necessarily my responsibility to try to steer him in the right direction, but he's my little brother. I'm always bailing my sisters out of things. This is the first really dumb thing he's ever done. I feel a parental responsibility for my sibs because I'm a good bit older than them. My dad died when they were young, and my mom is a horrible parent. If I don't take care of them, no one will.

Tosca, vent to others who won't speak to your brother or g/f but be cordial to her and non-judgmental to him. The worse everyone everyone reacts to this situation the more likely he will blame those who spoke before thinking if the relationship blows up in his face. Unfortunately the only way to learn is to make mistakes. So, chin up and keep your thoughts to yourself and don't contribute anything other than best wishes. If it breaks up don't tell him how stupid he was, just be there.

There should be a book for these things "Toxic Chicks for Dummies" Wink

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