Divorce
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free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:34 pm

I'm getting a divorce any words of advice? I've been married for over 4yrs and my SO is the bigest jerk. I've decided that after a horrible 2yrs that I just can't take it anymore. I've been putting up with his verbal abuse because we have a 3yr old son. I feel lost and alone anyone else gone through something like this?

free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:43 pm

I have no words of advise, but I can send ya a cyber hug..

Good for you, finally getting out of a situation like that.. Honestly, it was doing your son no good, and he would have grown up thinking it was OK to treat others like that.. Verbal and mental abuse are proven even worse than physical.. I've been thru it, and it can destry you...

I'm proud of you for taking the steps to protect yourself and your son.. You are now on the path to a healty and happy life, for both of you! I'm sure it will be hard at times, but always remember, you DID make the right choice...

free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:50 pm

I'm Kiki wrote:

I have no words of advise, but I can send ya a cyber hug..

Good for you, finally getting out of a situation like that.. Honestly, it was doing your son no good, and he would have grown up thinking it was OK to treat others like that.. Verbal and mental abuse are proven even worse than physical.. I've been thru it, and it can destry you...

I'm proud of you for taking the steps to protect yourself and your son.. You are now on the path to a healty and happy life, for both of you! I'm sure it will be hard at times, but always remember, you DID make the right choice...

Thanks Kiki I needed someone to tell me what I am doing is ok. I feel guilty somehow.

free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:51 pm

Oh adrianaL, Im *so* sorry you have to go thru this, it sucks to say the least. I was previously married and lets just say that it ended less than well(ok, he was a filthy cheater, liar, DRUG USER!!!! Had NO idea about that last one)and I was all of 22...nice. Rolling Eyes

I want to say I think you are doing the right thing, a child does not need to see his/her father abuse their mother in ANY way. I think the whole "stay together for the kids" thing is a crock. I grew up in a very volatile household and it really skewed my perception of relationships for a long while. I really dont know what to say except that, if you are serious about doing this do it fast and as clean as possible...of couse those two things dont really go hand in hand with divorce. I hope you understand what I mean. Dont feel alone, in a weird internet way we are all here for you, I know how painful a time like this can be.

*HUGS*

Vonstella

P.S. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:56 pm

vonstella wrote:

Oh adrianaL, Im *so* sorry you have to go thru this, it sucks to say the least. I was previously married and lets just say that it ended less than well(ok, he was a filthy cheater, liar, DRUG USER!!!! Had NO idea about that last one)and I was all of 22...nice. Rolling Eyes

I want to say I think you are doing the right thing, a child does not need to see his/her father abuse their mother in ANY way. I think the whole "stay together for the kids" thing is a crock. I grew up in a very volatile household and it really skewed my perception of relationships for a long while. I really dont know what to say except that, if you are serious about doing this do it fast and as clean as possible...of couse those two things dont really go hand in hand with divorce. I hope you understand what I mean. Dont feel alone, in a weird internet way we are all here for you, I know how painful a time like this can be.

*HUGS*

Vonstella

P.S. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

Thanks for your words You all here at EDS are the few people I communicate because he is so controling. I finally realized earlier this year that I deserve to be happy too and that doesn't make me a bad mother.

free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 10:07 pm

adrianaL wrote:

Thanks for your words You all here at EDS are the few people I communicate because he is so controling. I finally realized earlier this year that I deserve to be happy too and that doesn't make me a bad mother.

You are exactly right!

free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 10:25 pm

You are doing the ABSOLUTE right thing, both for you and your child.

I divorced my first husband after roughly 4 years of marriage and it was like being reborn. My years with him had turned me into a shell of my former self - I was one person when at work with people who never knew him and then I was another person in the home, moulded into what he wanted me to be - and I was absolutely miserable, had no sense of self and no self-confidence. We fortunately had not had any children, so that was a real blessing.

You just need understanding, supportive friends and family to get through it (and not ones who will try and change your mind).

free skin care · Wed Nov 08, 2006 10:34 pm

AdrianaL sent you a PM.

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:44 am

AdrianaL
Don't feel guilty you have obviously thought long and hard about this decision. Staying in a destructive relationship for the sake of children is so wrong because it gives tyhe child a distorted view of what a real loving relationship is like & they often end up in the same sort of relationship.
It will be hard but you are being so brave. I realise you don't have a clue who I am but I am sending you hugs & good luck wishes anyway.
Lori

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 6:34 am

*hugzzzzzzzz*

I think you're doing the right thing. If your SO abuses you verbally, then he will probably do the same to your child. And -- life is too short to put up with sh*t like that from ANYONE!! Besides, if he's treating you like that, and you are so unhappy, then he's obviously not the right "one". Leaving him will open the door for you to find that right person.

I divorced my first husband after only six months, but I knew before I even married him that I shouldn't be marrying him. He had a crush on his sister and his cousin, for God's sake! Shock

When I left him, it was as tiger_tim said -- like being reborn! No more did I have to dread going to see his family, and watching him flirt with his sister, and no more dealing with her acting like a b*tch toward me. It will be the same for you -- you will be free from dealing with abuse, and it will feel awesome, I promise!

I'm sending good vibes, prayers, and positive thoughts your way! You can get through this!

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:39 am

Hugs to you!, AdrianaL

..I've never suffered a divorce but I sure know how hellish a destructive relationship can be - and how emotionally difficult it can be to pull out of it. Getting out of this obviously horrible marriage is not only a gift to yourself - but the biggest gift you can give to your child.
Way to go, girl! The EDS Board is the warmest online environment I've come across - you can trust that there are alot of us out here in cyberspace who are rooting for you!
Take care,
Pudoodles

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:32 am

AdrianaL, I commend you for making such a difficult decision but having come from a spectacularly bad marriage myself, I very much advise you to get out and, as noted, do it quickly.

Try to gather all of your important papers, pictures and anything else of real value, all together, so you can grab them easily when you're ready to go. It is much better to stealthily plan your departure so you won't forget anything when it's time. Keep your secret close so your SO will not know. Believe me, surprise is a much better tool than you can imagine. It'll knock him off guard allowing you to move on.

You are doing the right thing and teaching your child another way of life. My children are not abusers now and had I stayed, they would've been or mimicked our roles (in all probability).

Good luck, my dear, and the biggest of hugs.

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:58 am

Oh, sweetie, my heart goes out to you. Yes, by all means do it. Staying in a toxic relationship can destroy your confidence in yourself. You and your son deserve a better life.

Huge cyber hug.

Ari

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:59 am

<GIANT HUG>
Good for you for having the courage to take this step. While it is not going to be easy, it'll all work out in the end.
My parents got divorced when I was 11 and although it sucked at the time and I acted out, I'm so glad my parents didn't stay together just for my brother and me. Because my mum had the courage to leave, I had the opportunity to go to college (my father didn't believe in college, he was in the Vietnam War and never went to school and always claimed "he did just fine without college") and to have a much more calm and quiet home (they fought all the time). No one deserves to be verbally abused, and the last thing you want is your son picking up any habits from his dad.

We're always here when you need us.
We love you!!!

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 9:23 am

I am at a loss of words in situations like this, but I just wanted to say don't feel guilty. You should feel a sense of pride and confidence that you are getting yourself, and you son out of that sort of relationship. Your son is lucky to have such a loving mother.

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 9:28 am

(((HUGS)))

I have been divorced about a year. My situation was similar to what you describe. I was so scared and worried but I can honestly say I am so much happier and way better off than I would have been if I stayed married. The hardest part is actually leaving. When the dust begins to settle you will begin to heal and move on. Your son will be o.k. b/c he has a strong mom! Lean on your friends and family. Take care of you. Educate yourself on your state's divorce and custody laws. Good luck & best wishes to you.

Bunny

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:31 am

tiger_tim wrote:

You are doing the ABSOLUTE right thing, both for you and your child.

I divorced my first husband after roughly 4 years of marriage and it was like being reborn. My years with him had turned me into a shell of my former self - I was one person when at work with people who never knew him and then I was another person in the home, moulded into what he wanted me to be - and I was absolutely miserable, had no sense of self and no self-confidence. We fortunately had not had any children, so that was a real blessing.

You just need understanding, supportive friends and family to get through it (and not ones who will try and change your mind).

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore either. I kept changing for him because he's never happy with me and I woke up one day and realized I have no dreams or goals anymore. who am I? What happend to me? How could I let go of myself. I couldn't even pick my friends! But I want to find myself again and be who I was before not this sad depressed person I am now, But the bubbly me who was always happy and looked at the bright side of things. Thanks for the messages and words of encouragement they mean the world to me.

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:35 am

Thank you to all who have taken the time to send your words of support and encouragement. I no longer feel alone, I can just come to this thread and read your words. I hope he doesn't take my computer away from me cause I'll die if I can't come to EDS everyday!!! I better take it when he's out of town!

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:45 am

Don't let him take your computer away! He shouldn't be able to take anything from you. I HATE those kind of controlling SOB's!!! Mad

If he DOES try to take your computer away, I will come there personally and knock him out!! Mad

I'm so glad that you realized the situation you're in. So many people think that it's "normal" to be unhappy, as long as you're obeying your husband and being a dutiful wife. Some people think that's what marriage is all about. How wrong is that??

We are all behind you!

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:14 pm

Adriana, your post on not knowing who you are, always changing because he was never happy with "you"...the story of my 2nd marriage. When I realized that being with him was worse than being alone, and the lightbulb moment that if I wasn't going to be "me," who was?, made me head for a divorce attorney, again.

We met and fell madly in love, married, without really getting to know each other. I ignored the red flags of his possessiveness, criticism and insecurity because hey, I loved him. Basically he loved me, but he didn't like me ... didn't like my past, my friends, my opinions, my politics, my independence ... and to me, truly LIKING someone you're with is way more important. Believe me hon, you WILL get through this, you will re-discover who you are, and next time you meet someone you like, just be that person; without regrets or excuses, knowing that it's 100% OK to be who you are, and the other person has to be 100% OK with that fact.

These seemingly bad relationships are really chances to grow and find out who we are again, having learned a hard lesson. I'm not Pollyanna'ish enough to not know they can also leave scars. For a good way to really release any negativity about yourself and him, look at this site: www.emofree.com. There's a link to a free instruction manual that you can print out. You can also probably find someone in your area who practices it, to learn it in person. It's great; it works, I've used it for five years and taught it to many. If you have questions after you look it over just PM me.

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:15 pm

Adriana, We're so proud of you! You're doing the right thing!!! Get away from that nasty man so you can be happy!

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:25 pm

Chocolat wrote:

Adriana, your post on not knowing who you are, always changing because he was never happy with "you"...the story of my 2nd marriage. When I realized that being with him was worse than being alone, and the lightbulb moment that if I wasn't going to be "me," who was?, made me head for a divorce attorney, again.

We met and fell madly in love, married, without really getting to know each other. I ignored the red flags of his possessiveness, criticism and insecurity because hey, I loved him. Basically he loved me, but he didn't like me ... didn't like my past, my friends, my opinions, my politics, my independence ... and to me, truly LIKING someone you're with is way more important. Believe me hon, you WILL get through this, you will re-discover who you are, and next time you meet someone you like, just be that person; without regrets or excuses, knowing that it's 100% OK to be who you are, and the other person has to be 100% OK with that fact.

These seemingly bad relationships are really chances to grow and find out who we are again, having learned a hard lesson. I'm not Pollyanna'ish enough to not know they can also leave scars. For a good way to really release any negativity about yourself and him, look at this site: www.emofree.com. There's a link to a free instruction manual that you can print out. You can also probably find someone in your area who practices it, to learn it in person. It's great; it works, I've used it for five years and taught it to many. If you have questions after you look it over just PM me.

Your story sounds just like mine He doesn't LIKE me at all and I can't get that through his head, he tries to make me sound crazy all the time and I know I'm not crazy!! I will look into that website.

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 1:40 pm

No huge words of wisdom here, other than abuse isnt only physical, infact, verbal can leave deeper emotional scars. But any divorce, even one we want, ends up hurting something awful. But good news is that does pass and life does right itself..best of luck dear.

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 3:07 pm

adrianaL

first off huge support and encouragement to you!

I want to assure you that you are doing the absolutly best thing for you and your son! My parents divorced when I was 5 years old, and although it was difficult to understand at first, in retrospect I truly believe that it was the best decision my mother ever made. my quality of life would not be near what is has been and what it is today if my parents had stayed together.

As well, coming from both the perspective as being a child from a divorced family and a child protection worker, you have really taken a step to improve your son's life as living in an unhappy, especially abusive household can be very damaging to a child (and you!).

It won't be easy, that's for sure but stay strong and immerse yourself in a supportive social network for you and your son (part of which is EDS!!!).

Sending you lots of positive energy!
Take Care!

free skin care · Thu Nov 09, 2006 4:31 pm

Thank you Lullabelle!

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