I could use some ideas of a b-day present for my dying dad
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free skin care · Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:17 pm

Hi everybody. It seems like a lot of us are having rough year. Well, my brother died in car accident in February and now my dad with prostate cancer has been given only a year to live. He is already in so much pain and has metastasis so I'm afraid it may be less than that.

I'm going home next week for his 70th birthday party. It's a huge party with people from his entire life. I hope he can enjoy it.

I realized it's harder to figure out what to give someone who is dying. I don't think he needs anymore 'stuff'. One idea I had is the second season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I gave him season 1 and he loved it. Other than that I'm a little stumped. I was thinking maybe something care package like. And maybe a collage of pictures of me and my family.

It's so sad, how he's thinking of things. He was asking me if I think he should still practice the guitar and learn the piano. Of course I told him yes.

Anyway, I would love some other ideas.

Michele

free skin care · Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:08 pm

michelec, I am so so sorry to hear this. I got a lump in my throat reading this post. You're right on target, he doesn't need more stuff he can't take with him. Give him [and your family] more funds for the memory bank; experiences never end with the passage from this life to the next; they live in memory just as love does.

How about taking him to see his favorite basketball, soccer, baseball or football team? If he's into opera or classical music, take him to a concert. If he's into food, take him to a great restaurant; set it up in advance to maybe meet the chef? If he's into drag or horse racing, take him to a racing event. If he always wanted to see Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, by all means go, you get the idea....

My most positive thoughts to you and your dad. I don't know if it's easier or more difficult to know you'll lose him so far in advance my heart goes out to you in kindness....

Athena

free skin care · Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:47 pm

A family scrap book.

free skin care · Tue Nov 20, 2007 10:30 pm

michelec, I am so sorry. If he likes the guitar and piano - could you get someone to come and play for him for his birthday? Some acoustic guitar accompanied by a pianist? Or two separate people to play solo? Obviously if you don't have a piano, then just the guitarist. Play for him his favourite songs. It might be nice to have the music in the background and he sits next to the musician. Also you could have a screen showing all the photos of your childhood with your siblings, children etc... and dad and all the people and events that mean something to him. We went to a 40th party recently where there was a screening of the birthday person's life and it was really magic.

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 12:11 am

Thank you all for the suggestions and your words. I'm thinking about the fact that I'm going in 9 days and what I can put together before then.

My dad isn't really into much except to practice the guitar. The piano he was learning so he could play with my sister's daughter. He is kind of a simple guy.

But what I can think of that means a lot to him is certain places in the city where he grew up and where I was raised, New Orleans. I have a lot of memories of when I was in med school, he and I would go running together on the levy in the morning. Then we would go to a cafe, right where the river bends, for breakfast. So, I'm hoping I can steal him away for a bit and maybe we can go eat there and talk. I so hope it's still there after Katrina.

And I'm going to spend these days off of work putting together all the pictures I can find. I'm not crafty with scrap booking, but I can put them in a simple book.

Then, I'm going to include a long letter of the sweet things I remember of all my time as his daughter. And I'm going to hand write it. At the end I'm going to be sure to absolve him of all the things he feels badly about. That's mainly leaving home when I was 10. I don't want him to take that to the grave at all.

It is so weird to have these opposite experiences of knowing ahead of time for him vs having my brother gone in an instant.

I'm fried and going to bed.

Michele

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:56 am

Yes, definitely an experience, rather than an object, would be best, I think.

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year. We thought we were going to lose him, but he has since responded well to hormonal treatment, thank goodness. I made him a promise to take him for a taxi run in a Lancaster Bomber when he's feeling up to it (they only do this at certain times of year for small groups because there are so few Lancasters still in operation.)

In the meantime, when he was going through a rough patch, I sent him a different bar of chocolate (he's mad on the stuff) every week, with a special card.

Does you dad have a favourite musician? Maybe it would be possible for you to take him to listen to his favourite band or artist. You know, I bet if you contacted a musician whose work he loves and let them know about the situation, they might even agree to something special, like a personal meeting and chat.

Something that my dad has been doing is to visit all the places he knew as a boy - his old homes, the fells where he used to go to be alone. He takes his camera to make photos as memories. This sounds morbid, but he's also been researching his family history and finding the formerly forgotten graves of those he loved. All this kind of makes me feel awful, but it seems to help him.

I'm sorry to hear that your dad is in pain, but is there anything he's always wanted to do and would be able to manage to do? If I were dying, there are all kinds of stuff I'd want to try.

And my advice to you is to make the most of your dad. It sounds as though that's exactly what you are doing.

You know, that letter you're writing would probably be the most precious gift of all. Tell him all you've ever wanted him to know and, most of all, tell him how much you love him. He knows this already, of course, but this is something you need to do for yourself, too.

I'm blubbing like a baby now, so I'm going to have to stop typing about this at the moment. Take good care.

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 6:11 am

I think a scrap book would be amazing, maybe of his life? After loosing my dad, I made a memory box with his stuff. It is nice memorial as well, and I think in it you should express how he has shaped your life in a positive way and others as well. It validates his life in a sense, and allows him to look back in his decisions and be ok with that. I am sorry, stay strong....

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:59 am

My heart goes out to you Michele. Seventy years old is far to young to pass away. You've gotten some really wonderful suggestions that would feel special to your Dad.

Another idea I had, and one you could send in the mail, was YOU reading his favorite book/letters/etc on tape so he could play it when you're not there or he's uncomfortable. Your voice is really powerful to him. You could bring a tape player when you see him, and then every so often surprise him with New Orleans music, guitar instrumetals, etc.

Take care.

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:53 am

My heart goes out to you, Michele!

Even though I have no suggestions in turns of presents, I do have another one. If you are open to alternative medicine, and if you are interested - I have a relative who was given 4% chance to survive a year, and he is still here against all odds seven years later - and cancer free. He got the recommendation from a friend of his, who was given 3 months to live (end stage leukemia), and lived for the next 15 years - working full time, no pain, etc.
If you are interested - PM me for info.

Good luck,
Lucy.

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:15 pm

Does he have an iPod nano or shuffle. I agree with all of the above but I once had serious trauma and surgeries and open wounds for several months. I was given my favorite music and family and friends reading my favorite book all preloaded. It really helped. The first few weeks I was in too much pain even on meds to read or watch TV (took too much attention) but listening was soothing.

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:21 pm

PS: I know this is a hard time but do not think of him in your mind as dying. I think the hardest thing with people who are very sick is the way people act around them.

PSS: My dh was told no one ever survived an 8" tear in their liver casing and I am still here 10 years later.

free skin care · Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:50 pm

Again, thank you all for the support. I've got to get going on the letter but it's hard with the kids home from school. Very distracting.

I'm going to get a box and get it going. With the tape recorder, the scrapbook, paper for the letter, a list of the suggestions I've gotten... so I don't forget any of it.

And Sigma, yes, I'm very into alternative care. I use it for myself and my own little family. My family in N.O - not so much, but I do think they trust my opinion. I'm going to PM you.

And Sharky, I can't believe what you have been through! Sounds like torture. I hope you are healed enough now.

free skin care · Fri Nov 30, 2007 4:10 pm

Hello,

I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. So sad to learn of your brother and now your dad. A good friend of mine just lost his battle with cancer and it was painful to be present with his family through that. You should "make a memory" with your dad everyday. I like the idea of an experience you can enjoy together if he is well enough for it.

In our thoughts.

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