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Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:40 am  |
Background:
I have a very dear friend who lives in NY. We met in NY as co-workers almost 25 years ago, I was in her wedding...I moved to VA where I have lived ever since, but she and I have remained close throughout the years. She has been very supportive of me the past couple years as I have gone through a very painful separation/divorce.
Situation:
This past October, her husband of 24 years asked her for a divorce. They had been together since high school - he was her only lover, etc.
It has not been terribly painful for her since she has not loved him for many years, has been involved in affairs, etc.
Nevertheless, her husband moved out in January and that same week, she started dating a man from her office.
Issue:
I have a dear ex-boyfriend who lives nearby her in NY. We dated on and off for over 10 years. He and his wife separated around the same time as my husband and I.
He and I have reconnected as friends, in a nonromantic friendship - we have been talking and communicating and helping each other though this phase of life - we have much in common right now.
Not too long ago, she asked me if she could contact him to share their stories of going through the same thing. I put them in contact with each other. They have been responding and have met for dinner.
She also asked me how I felt about introducing another divorced friend of hers to him. I told her that while he and I are not involved romantically, I still have feelings for him and it hurts me to think of anyone else that I might know being involved with him.
Anyway, now he tells me that she has invited him to dinner again.
I don't believe she would intentionally set out to hurt me in this way and yet in the same vein, it almost seems to me that she is pursuing him in some manner...even though both he and I know she already has another boyfriend.
I am feeling a little betrayed by her and yet I am not sure I have a right to feel this way.
Thoughts?
Thanks, BF |
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Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:13 pm |
Hi Barefoot! I'm sorry you are going through this. Here's my take on the situation: Ex-boyfriends are delicate territory. Whether the break-up was good or bad, and whether you remain on speaking terms or not, it is the moral duty of your friends and family members to support you, and above ALL, not pursue any kind of relationship with him that you aren't comfortable with. There are people out there who will say to you "Why do you care? You two are broken up!" Those people are insensitive, pure and simple. Ladies, if your close friend or sister has been involved with a guy, do yourselves a favor and forget about him. As far as your concerned, he may as well be a eunuch!
Barefoot, in your friend's defense, I have noticed that people who go through divorces or serious break ups and who feel rather adrift in some ways can sometimes tend to make selfish or insensitive choices. That being said, it doesn't excuse what she is doing. You have told her how you feel about this ex, so for her to continue to pursue him is disloyal to the extreme. Nothing excuses how she is treating you.
If I were you, I would sit the friend down and try explaining one more time that you still have feelings for this ex and that you really don't feel comfortable with her pursuing him OR setting him up with other people. If she disregards your feelings after that then I'm sorry to say she doesn't deserve your friendship. I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you--- betrayal is such a painful thing to experience. I really hope that given the chance she will do the right thing and choose to respect and support you. Keep us updated and hang in there! |
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27, sensitive/reactive/acne prone skin, dark brown hair, blue eyes, possibly the palest woman alive... |
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Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:34 am |
Thank you so much for putting that out there so clearly and succinctly. Sometimes our emotions can cloud our judgement.
I realize that people can sometimes take leave of their senses when first exiting a long term relationship...but at some point, I hope she returns to them.
As another friend put this situation:
"There are way too many fish in the sea to have to circle around someone that has been a part of another friend's life."
BF |
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Thu Apr 30, 2009 11:37 pm |
manslayerliz's reply pretty much sums up what I wanted to say already but I also have a few things to add:
Ex-boyfriends are definitely a sensitive topic and it may makey ou feel polarized (are they on your side or his side, etc) but really, that's irrational.
It is also very possible for your ex and your good friend to be just plain friends. A few months ago, I rekindled a friendship with an old friend from high school, a few months after he broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years. Of course we had nothing going on but I was always afraid that his ex-girlfriend (who I was co-workers with in the past) would suspect our friendship to be something more. However, it is pretty clear to people (I hope) that are just friends since we are not touchy with each other at all, we don't flirt and we don't drink together. I wanted to be there for him because he had some personal problems that were troubling him at the time. This may or may not be a possible situation you three are facing.
It may take some time but soon you'll be able to move away from the murky waters surrounding your old fish and see all the new fish around you!
Hope this helps! |
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