Engagement Woes...
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free skin care · Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:52 pm

My boyfriend of 2+ years proposed to me back in August. It was so very exciting and wonderful but one negative side to our relationship that has always existed is we do get into some pretty extreme & ridiculous arguements. Well, we had one of these on Friday evening - lots of regrettable things were said and in the end, he asked for the ring back. I yanked it off my finger and slapped it into his hand and of course, wouldn't you know it went flying into the dark streets of the city. Imagine the distress of patting damp cement on a cold winter night looking for an expensive engagement ring. Pure heartbreak really. Of course in the morning, he didn't mean it, sorrys all around & gave me the ring back but I am still sad about it. I feel like a proposal is so sacred & don't understand how could you go back on it just to hurt someone in an arguement? Has anyone ever had anything like this happen? What if this is just an indication of more things he might back out on????

free skin care · Tue Nov 17, 2009 4:31 am

I am married for a full 25 years (with same guy Shock

) and arguing is something what frequently occurring in between us.
Well, I am pretty calm person - he is not. He always want to discuss and if it is something wrong - to find who is guilty. Oh dear lord, sometimes it is so boring and hard to deal with it. So far I can see that is something out of his control... he also was in war and have some mild PTSP issues lately. Sometimes I just endure all attacks calm, and sometimes I don't. In that cases - it is not an argue, it became a fight. Sad

To say over again - we are together for 25 years.
I love him - and love is nothing but acceptance of our partners imperfections. If you can't live with it, than it is better to broke up.

free skin care · Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:06 am

What affects a relationship the most is communication. And when you see how it affects you the most is in how you argue. That is something that can take many years to work on and as you have heard, doesn't always mean the end of a relationship.
Recognizing your communication differences and then trying to work on them is the first step, the rest is up to you two. If you love this person and your relationship is worth fighting for, then that is your decision so stand behind it and move forward. I personally don't understand that way of dealing with negative issues per say, but my hubby and I have been married over 25 years and we have made the decision not to say anything we can't take back or would have to. And I will add that it is very hard to do sometimes and it takes a lot of awareness and self-control (and mainly love).
But my reason for responding to your thread isn't to give marriage advice but to say your story isn't unusual but is actually very personal. It is a source of great heartache to me at times to say I know a loving and happy couple that went through a similar situation several times before just getting married. They love each other dearly and they always work it out by the next morning, it just drives the rest of us nuts and the stress of it affects other people. I am hoping they learn to communicate their anger/frustration/disappointment and express their feelings rationally without getting to that point. It isn't about how much they love each other, it's about how to communicate when they don't like each other's behavior that is the problem. Immaturity, selfishness and trying to re-learn communication mistakes from the past are their main issues. If this extreme worked in the past then they will keeping using that tactic again to control a situation when they don't like how it is going.
Sometimes when people don't feel like they are being heard or they want to discuss it NOW rather than when tempers are more rational, they feel they must say something harsh to get the attention or reaction they feel they are not getting. Most people are not raised with practicing the same types of communication skills. So it makes it particularly hard in a relationship or marriage when two types clash.
Whatever the reason, it is something that you should discuss with your partner or a professional before going further in your relationship. It doesn't mean you can't be happy, you can just save yourself a lot more stressful times.
And this was in my toast to the couple whom I adore/love:
"My advice to you about marriage is the saying , Marry the one you love and love the one you marry. You may not always like the behavior, but always love the person. BUT the most important thing that I could ask you to remember as you start your new life together is that life isn't always about happy endings, so much as new beginnings."
Look at this incident as something to learn from, to start over and from this day forward make a choice to not have it ever happen again. Recognize the signs before you get to that point again so that the reason for that experience was to learn from it, grow from it and be stronger in your resolve to make your marriage work.
I wish you luck and hope it all works out. (Just like I do for my special couple). I'm keeping my fingers crossed for everyone.
Smile

free skin care · Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:35 pm

that is very nice advice annier i totally agree with u that it is all about communication, type, and receptiviity

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